Kenya Worm

BLESSINGS!

2010-12-28T10:21:00.003+02:00

And so another Christmas passes us by. Wow, it seems so unreal that time flies so quickly - I mean, never thought I'd feel this young at 28 (Plus VAT plus interest plus pension tax...) With new year celebrations facing us at the end of this week, maybe it's time to reflect on the past year and to be thankful for what we have.

I can probably list a whole lot of individual things here, but there is one thing that has dominated my year and this is the single most important thing, and this little thing is simply called LOVE. I'm blessed beyond belief by people who love me, the love I can show others and the love that surrounds me everywhere I go. Friends, family, FC, my work mates, everyone!

How amazing is this that we can end a year and the only thing I can really think of is how wonderfully loved I am and how many folks I can love in return.

For this, I am truly thankful,

TTFN

'this the season for some folly...

2010-12-20T14:17:00.003+02:00

Enough already... This black mood of mine has only succeeded in making my life a misery and this stops now! Here, immediately. I've got so much going for me and here I am having my own little pity party and thinkin' - why me?

Well, the answer is pretty simple really. You get what you give out - so if I send out all this negative energy, all the negativity will come my way. But, if I change my silly ways and give out positive energy, positivity will come my way. This is not really rocket science or even some 'zen' way of doing things, it just is a fact of life! Nobody who has ever thought that he or she was unable to be happy in a specific situation has ever been - invariably they are completely miserable. Fact!

So, as of today I choose to see the good and pretty in other people and my environment. I see that Dawie's death nearly two years ago was maybe not the best thing to ever happen to me, but our life was, and if he had not passed away I would not have found FC and been so lucky now. Life is full of strange twists and turns - some of our making, other that happen to us. It's the way we react to those changes and twists that makes the difference here.

So much to be thankful for really - I have a family that supports me fully, a great job in one of the most beautiful city's in the world, a stunning home in that same city and only 4 kilos from my office, my health, enough money to do the things I want to do, a BF that is attentive and give me so much love and attention even from afar, doggies (children) that just give unconditional love every day, a safe and secure lifestyle... So much to be thankful for!

And then there is you - the poor people that have to read my drivel. Bless you all too, for you my dear friends, are as important to me as anyone else, and despite my mood/lack of posting/laziness/general crappyness you're still here. Bless you in abundance!

Now go out there and kiss the one you love more than is needed, hug the people you care for until your arms hurt, and eat, drink and be merry, for this life needs to be amazing, and it can only be so if you make it so!

TTFN

So, be good to yourself...

2010-12-01T15:31:00.003+02:00

Just read trough my previous post - oh boy, I'm such an idiot... Sometimes I just say stuff and not think - but maybe that is why I have this blog. It's anonymous (mostly) and no one knows who I am - so if I want to vent, I vent. If I want to make stupid comments and observations - I make stupid comments and observations. Who's gonna stop me?

There's the thing... If someone knows who you are and you say a few things that might be misunderstood or give offence, how do you 'take it back'? How do you unwrite something you've written? You can delete it, but you're stuck with what you've said. You cannot 'unread' a sentence or paragraph now can you?

So, this is a message from me to you today - be good to yourself at all times, and say what you want to say when you want to say it. Sometimes we hurt others with our words, but words are just that - words. You have a choice whether they gonna hurt you or not.

TTFN

Still going strong...

2010-11-18T09:31:00.001+02:00

Your Quit Date is: Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 12:00:00 AM
Test Time Smoke-Free: 944 days, 17 hours, 1 minute and 7 seconds
Cigarettes NOT smoked: 18894
Lifetime Saved: 4 months, 24 days, 7 hours
Money Saved: S3,304.00

Of this and that...

2010-11-16T09:30:00.003+02:00

So my girl went in for 'the operation' yesterday, and the youngest boy is going for his today. Not so sure this was a good idea to be honest - I was virtually in tears last night when my little girl, who usually cannot sit still for more than a few seconds, just lay there with these accusing eyes. I'm sure she will be back to her old self soon but I still feel guilty...

I know it's the best thing to happen - don't want any unwanted puppies or have the whole complexes dogs parking in front of our gate when she has her 'special time', and I'm also past the point of enjoying when little Jamee decides that he needs to mark his territory and part of that territory is the fridge... Just glad my little doggies are generally very healthy and happy.

FC (the boyfriend) loves them to pieces, and they love him too - after all, he spoils them rotten! What's really nice is to see how he interacts with them on a daily basis, and how much he cares for them. I still believe that people who love animals are special - and this is once again proved in this situation. Animals have a special sense of people, and I trust their judgement...

Further to that - planning a trip to NZ soon, planning this whole move of the folks to Pretoria, planning a trip to Botswana for business and then just waiting for Xmas to come... Can you believe this year is almost over? Unreal...

See - all over the place this morning. No coherent thoughts or writing. Don't you just love days like today...

TTFN

A fresh start!

2010-11-10T10:27:00.002+02:00

Hey y'all!

I know, I've been away long enough so that everyone might think - he's probably passed along, or lost interest, or tried to stop a bus and lost, but here I am - still alive and well and still able to bore you to death with a lot of nonsense! A dear friend asked me a while ago how he could start a blog, and this inspired me to revive this here old blog again - thanks Heini...

So, what's new in my life?

Well, I have a BF that shares my life. The puppies are doing well. Mom and Dad are (probably) moving closer to me and the BF so we can look after them (Not so sure about this, but hey...). I'm still smoke free. The whole healthy living thing is working very well for me - lost A LOT of extra me! I've taken a transfer in the company and I'm now based about 4 km from home instead of doing a daily commute of 170km. Still in Pretoria. Life is pretty good in general.

The main thing here is to start writing again. It was very good therapy for me when I was away working in another country, and when Dawie got ill and passed away, and when I was dealing with all sorts of stuff, so maybe I would make an effort and get this going again.

That's all for now, but I will be back...

TTFN

Uninspired...

2010-01-27T10:33:00.003+02:00

Been really bad at trying to keep this blog going of late, and it's mostly 'cause I feel completely uninspired. Have thought of a few things I could post on here, even written a few, but then chose to delete or just not post as it all seemed a little negative and 'black' to me. Don't want anybody to go into a constant state of depression because of my rantings...

That said however, a lot has changed over the last month and a half since I've last posted anything here. My mood is a lot better, my general health is a lot better and I feel a lot better about myself as well.

It was the one year anniversary of Dawie's death on the 24Th of December, and my therapist (how special is this woman?) made a special arrangement to spend time with me in the morning. She was actually on leave and invited me to her home to have a session with me - little old emotional, unbalanced, neurotic me! She had us seated in her garden (really stunning place outside of town) and we had a good cry TOGETHER! You have no idea what that meant to me. It was the most amazing thing - it felt as if a ton of worry was suddenly lifted from my shoulders. I know not why, but that specific moment - and that eve which I will talk about now, was the most phenomenal experience of relief I've ever had.

Later - friends organized a little remembrance ceremony. We each said a few words and lit candles for him, and then we had a few drinks and a laugh - Dawie would have been proud, he would not have wanted us to be miserable and sorry for ourselves. And later still, I had the most amazing dream where he visited me... I know, that all sounds very airy fairy, but it felt so real, and brought such peace, that it cannot be anything but real and true...

I dreamt that he was in bed with me, and he lay next to me the way he always did. He looked me in the eye with those deep brown, soulful eyes of his, and told me that he loved me. Then he put his head on my shoulder, and cuddled up next to me like he always did. He put his hand om my chest and said - ''I can feel your heart beating. Be strong my love, be strong. You will be happy again..." And then he just lay there, holding me, loving me... I cannot remember when he 'left' again, but I woke up later with tears streaming down my face, but such an unimaginable sense of relief... It was truly him that came to comfort me!

And now - well, life goes on. Back at work, still seeing the therapist that does not take shit from me, sort of dating again (Just going out and spending time with folks, nothing more!), and just generally trying to go on - and succeeding mostly. Life is pretty - and it's getting prettier by the day...

TTFN

Journal'ing...

2009-12-07T08:09:00.003+02:00

Never really bothered keeping a journal or diary or whatever you want to call it. Always felt that this was a 'rather silly thing to do that keeps folks busy with rubbish. But as the 'therapist from hell' suggested I keep one, and also said that I only needed to write down the first five words that came to mind when I sat down to do it, I thought it could not really hurt...

Well, It started about two weeks ago. I went out and bought a nice leather bound journal'lly thing (have to have some style, I'll have you know!), and sat down the nest morning before my morning coffee and wrote down the first five words that came to mind. Then, I put it next to the bed and carried on with my day. The next morning, the same thing - quick few words and there we go. But on the first Saturday morning, I felt a little lonely and decided to write a few more word - still the first five words, but this was followed by a paragraph of ramblings and thoughts. And now - every morning it's a whole page (sometimes two!) of me running of my mouth at whatever comes to mind.

And yesterday, I read some of the things I've written of the last few days... Boy oh boy - have I got issues! But, that said, this is the first time in my life I've been able to put words to my feelings. Yes, I've written about how I feel and what I feel but it was always on level where I could manage it or say what people needed to hear. I mean, I'm an expert at doing that, but this - wow, I'm stumped. I've never been so brutally honest with myself. It's good. It's all good, I think...

So, once again this sneaky little bugger of a therapist has made me do something I did not really want to do - look inside and see the 'real' me...

TTFN

Another session...

2009-12-01T10:51:00.002+02:00

So this 'lady' - and I say that loosely, has me by the short and curly's. I'm a complete sobbing idiot when I walk out of her rooms... And yes, it's probably the right thing that's happening, but geez like - why am I such an emotional mess. Maybe because it's now December and last year this time I was surrounded by people all the time, but I've never felt lonelier. Maybe it's because Dawie was very ill during this time and I managed to sleep all of an hour or two a day caring for him. And maybe it's because all these memories are surfacing at the moment, and they are pretty painful.

Also not really sleeping at the moment - can't keep 'stuff' out of my head, and this means that I basically lie awake most of the night thinking. This leads to me being tired the next day and not really being able to give my work it's all, which means I'm falling behind, which means I need to put in extra time to catch up - nice vicious circle hey? Will be going on leave for a few weeks on the 15Th, but that is still two weeks away, so have to cope with the here and now.

And then, to top it all my little nephew (7 years young) is diagnosed with leukemia... Poor little guy - such a terrible thing to go trough, and he is such a sensitive child as well. I know the doctors say there is a 96% chance of it going into remission, but it still means he has to go trough the treatments and that opens all shorts of wounds.

Sorry - I sound like a real agony auntie - all about what is wrong instead of looking at some of the positives. I should be thankful about so much, but it all seems a little infantile at the moment... I'm sure the sun will shine again, and I'm sure it will even shine on me, but at this specific moment I don't really feel that.

TTFN

The new therapist.

2009-11-25T09:34:00.003+02:00

At yesterday's session I finally got a comment from a therapist that I could relate to. You see, I sometimes think they are there so you can 'cure' yourself. After all, how easy is it to manipulate and control a situation? If you're just a little clever you can manage the therapist to think that things are OK when they clearly are not - and to be honest, I'm pretty good at that... I know, it's not really honest or the right way of doing this, but I manage situations all the time so I'm bloody good at it!

So, here is a new 'head lady' that sees right trough my little plot and makes me open up and say things that I've never told another human being. To call her manipulative would be wrong, to call her clever would be more accurate. Maybe it's also because I might have actually admitted to myself that I need help. That this will not just 'blow over and disappear' as I so wish it would, but that I have to deal with Dawie's death as a reality and not just try and carry on with my life. The fact is that I hide things - compartmentalise would be a good phrase, very very well. I can place things in little boxes and pack them away. The problem is, this little matter does not want to be packed away. It's like a darkness that keeps on crawling out of the box and back into my phyche.

The one thing she mentioned yesterday that really struck me was that I have never made the time to look after myself. Yes, I cope very well with making sure others are OK - I nursed Dawie during his illness, I help my family with their problems and finances, I help friends with their needs - making time for everybody I know, except for myself. It's easy dealing with others problems - it makes my own disappear for a little while, but it does not solve them. It does not make me feel better. On a superficial level maybe it does, but not deep down inside where it's needed. What a realization...

The other thing we talked about was the anniversary of Dawie's death on the 24Th. Now, I really do not want to face this but she suggested to make this a 'event' with close friends and family, and that we celebrate Dawie's life. Will think on this - but the idea has merit. Not entirely sure how to go about that though...

So, with three weeks to go to my Summer holidays, and work taking up most of my time at the moment, and emotions running amok at the same time, I close off this little episode of the 'gays of my life'...

TTFN

I've been a bad little blogger...

2009-11-20T15:10:00.003+02:00

I'm not going to try and make excuses and tell you that I was in hospital or seriously ill or anything feeble like that. No, I'll just come right out and say it like it is/was - I have lost my inspiration to write and blog. There. That's it really...

And to be completely honest, I have not really got it back yet, but after speaking to my 'new' therapist last week, she suggested that I start writing again as a release for my emotional turmoil and 'basic fuckedupness'... So, here goes y'all!

My life is in a strange place at the moment. Work wise it could not be better - a new promotion and a better position in the company. Moved to the top floor of the building and have stunning view over the city of Jozie - that's if it does not rain all the time, but I digress. Financially I'm secure which is a true blessing in this time of financial turmoil and disaster, and I can even say that my physical health is pretty good - eating right and getting a little exercise as well.

But it's my emotional well being that is, well, for lack of a better word - a total disaster. I've been hiding behind everything I can think of not to think about Dawie and his death. I've been 'dating' young boys for a while to escape the reality of losing my wonderful husband. I've not spoken about him for weeks, and avoided any situation where he would be 'present' - and yet he is present in everything that happens in my life.

I cannot stop for a moment and give myself time - got to be busy all the time in order not to grieve, and it's catching up with me... I need to grieve, but cannot for the life of me get myself to 'let go' as I should. I always tell myself to grow up and be a man when all I want to really do is crawl into a small space and die.

I know this is 'pretty heavy' for a post - especially since I have not blogged for such a long time, but there is so much pent up anger and frustration that I honestly do not know how to handle this anymore. I've gone back to see a therapist - someone new that was referred to me by a friend, and I think she understands me a lot better than the previous one who thought it would be okay to tell my I'm cured after a few sessions. I cannot deal with this anymore. Honestly. Why should I want to? My little 'facade' is one of bravery and dealing with life, but my inside is a mess...

So - this is me trying to sort out my life now. I will use this blog to rant and rave and do whatever I need to to get trough this, and I don't blame you for not wanting to read here anymore - or not visiting. It will be used as a space to get my feelings out in the open and deal with stuff that I've been hiding forever - and this will be the space for very few people actually know who I am - and I want to keep it that way.

My life needs to change direction - and this is the first step...

TTFN

Yeeeezzzz!!!!

2009-08-27T08:26:00.002+02:00

I've been terrible at trying to blog and get back up to speed at work. Blogging and being away from the office for nearly three weeks - not good for each other. I know, a feeble excuse, but it's true - I promise...

So, this weekend I will spend some quality time with my new laptop - oh, another excuse, but I digress, and make sure I give some nice highlights from the holiday and what's happening in my neck of the woods...

One of the highlights is that we (me and TYM) are going to see District 9 this weekend. Very proud that this was shot in Jozie (Mostly Soweto to be exact) and has an all ''Souf Efriken'' cast. The cartoon plays on a very common scheme to cheat folks out of their money called 419 usually run by Nigerians - very common here in the South of Africa.

Now here's wishin' yáll a really pretty, fruitful day!

TTFN

Back from the hols...

2009-08-20T16:04:00.004+02:00

So, I'm back in Pretoria and back at work - urgh! Not my favourite thing, and now even more so. It's time to start preparing budgets. That is about as much fun as having your leg hairs removed by a Russian Beauty Therapist with a pair of tweezers...

So, lots to tell y'all and lots of pictures to post, but for now - just this little one taken on my mobile - on the road to the Northern Cape, driving at about 180 kph (about 110mph) To be honest, this is the longest stretch we did and it's straight (look in the rear view mirror) as an arrow and never ending - stretches of 400 km between towns. The other fun thing was that at one point somebody overtook me...

Now, y'all have a pretty, fruitful day now!

TTFN

Apollo Moon Mission.

2009-07-27T07:56:00.002+02:00

Some humour for a Monday Morning...

Now y'all have a pretty week now,

TTFN

A bit of this, a lot of that...

2009-07-21T11:26:00.003+02:00

Yesterday, 40 years ago my dearest mom, HIGHLY pregnant with me was listening to the radio, and was specifically listening to how Neil Armstrong spoke 'those words'. A few days later I was born... Not that that is what I want to write here - my birthday this year just seems so insignificant - and I'm as emotional as hell at the moment, so we're going to skip that one...

Mom and I are on our way to go and look at the wild flower display in the Northern Cape. Namaqwaland to be exact. It's an arid desert type landscape that, once a year, turns into the most phenomenal flower garden. It's absolutely stunning! Then on to Cape Town for a few days and then back home via the Garden Route. A round trip of about four to five thousand kilometers covered in three weeks. This is my birthday present to myself. Dawie and I saved up to go for a nice trip together on my fortieth (We would have gone to the US) but I've decided that this will do... Anyway, I'm in no mood to travel on my own. And I promised my Mom a trip to the flowers before her seventieth.

I feel completely uninspired and 'lifeless' at the moment - maybe just tired, maybe this long cold winter getting to me, or maybe I'm just not dealing with everything as well as I think I am. A dear friend commented that I'm not myself this weekend when we went for breakfast. I don't know - I'm coping, I think, mostly... Just not ready to break down again and deal with this, so it's easier just to avoid it... There - that my solution, stick my head in the ground and hope it goes away!

So - long story short - I'll be away for the next month. Hope y'all are happy and healthy!

TTFN

My ears are bleeding...

2009-07-16T15:25:00.003+02:00

It's been one of those days where the first meeting started at nine, ended at twelve thirty, next one at one till three and the next one starts at four... My ears are bleeding - and I cannot say another word.

But maybe I should just be thankful that I still have a job in this time of uncertainty and people losing jobs left right and centre. And maybe I should be thankful that I even got an increase (a rather generous one at that!) as from next month. And maybe I should be thankful that I have friends and family that have supported me always, whatever my mood is...

And I am thankful, truly. And blessed.

But now - my ears are bleeding from all the talking that's been going on all day. And I'm tired. And I want to go home to my dog's and to T.Y.M who is visiting tonight.

Two weeks to my winter holiday...

TTFN

Doing my bit for the enviroment...

2009-07-10T09:49:00.003+02:00

I'm consciously trying to reduce my carbon footprint at the moment, making small changes to my life and household to try and see if I can, in my own little way, improve a little.

So, in light of this little 'effort' from my side, I'm now part of a lift club! Yes, 'Mister Control Freak' is in a car that another person drives for three hours of a working day, two weeks of the month... It's actually quite nice not having to drive and concentrate on the traffic, but it also means that I need to relax and not try and tell him how to manage things. My weak point really...

Also installing a solar geyser at home - hey, the government (Eskom) sponsors you to do so, and this should happen in next week. It will also reduce my electricity consumption. (I found out last week when I spoke to my dad that my electricity bill is higher than theirs, and they are two people in the house!)

So, long story short, I'm going green!

Now just to teach the dogs to stop 'breaking wind' and we'll be greener than Greenpeace!

Have a fruitful weekend y'all!

TTFN

MJ.

2009-07-08T07:30:00.004+02:00

I know there have been numerous 'jokes' about MJ's death and I don't always think they are in good taste, but this one is OK and 'once again' very Souf Efriken - so enjoy.

Not too creative at the mo, so won't bore you to death with non-sensical ramblings...

Have a fruitful day now y'all,

TTFN

A nice, quiet weekend...

2009-07-06T07:54:00.005+02:00

As it's been BITTERLY cold (Global warming my bottom!) this weekend, The Young Man (T.Y.M) and I spent most of the weekend indoors and alone. And to be honest, it all felt very comfortable and 'familiar' - if that makes any sense at all. It just seems like we've know each other longer than we have and he seems comfortable with my 'extremely' pedantic ways, and I'm comfortable with his ways as well. It feels good...

Friday night we got some take - out and DVD's and spent the night on the couch with the doggies. Also went to bed quite early as it was one hell of a week and he had to work on Saturday Morning, so no lying in then. Think I've told you, but he's a student and has five different jobs to pay for his studies and 'upkeep'. Hard working little individual... I made some coffee and he was off to work. I then took the pick up to get washed as we had to go of to doggy school in the afternoon.

This is the brute that we're busy training at the moment, but my two also go along as there is a 'play group' for the other pup's while we are busy with the training part. He's a South African breed of dog called a Boerboel. (This pic' was taken when he was just over a year old and he's developed a bit more since then...) He's a wonderfully intelligent and protective animal and I bought him specifically to protect my elderly folks. He's passed basic obedience, advanced obedience and is now busy with something called 'man training' where he is taught to protect a specific person/group of people from attack. What this basically means is that he will only attack someone if they threaten or attack the person they were trained to protect, which is my mom and dad. He's extremely strong and fast, so it does take a bit of strength to manage him sometimes, but he's very good with my mom... Oh, and he's spoilt rotten by her - so maybe that's why he's so good with her - don't bite the hand that feeds you and all of that!

Saturday eve we once again spent indoors reading, talking, having some dinner - pizza this time. Sunday morning we went to church together (Now don't act all surprised, I am a man of morals I'll let you know!) and then went to the shops for a few household necessities. Went home and I made us a nice Chinese Stir Fry with Black Bean Sauce and Mung Noodles. The rest of the day we once again just spent around the house - T.Y.M combed and conditioned the puppies, I watered the garden and did some washing, all very ordinary and domestic really.

And this is what I mean by comfortable and familiar. He's so comfortable just 'being' with me, and I'm comfortable just being with him. It's nice. I'm happy. I'm enjoying this now...

TTFN

Pretty weekend to y'all!

2009-07-03T14:35:00.001+02:00

VERY South African humour, but some of y'all might understand it...

TTFN

Pics...

2009-07-02T13:47:00.004+02:00

The bath in our room, with no fences between the house en the 'wild bush' outside.

View from the bedroom. Big glass doors that can be opened.

One of the big five - was not really into big game viewing this time, had other things to keep us busy, but we did spot 3 of the big five - Buffalo, Ellies and a Rhino.

The birthday 'beverage' - Pierre Jourdan Cap Classique.

A little breakfast spread...

The Clubhouse lounge where we played board games at night while talking up a storm.

Outside lounge and dining area at the clubhouse.

Another view of the clubhouse lounge area.

On the open vehicle looking for game.

Cute little sign at a coffee shop we stopped at on the way.

Enough for now...

TTFN

Stuff...

2009-07-01T15:00:00.004+02:00

The weekend was great! Fun, exciting, great food and wine, wonderful company and some of the most scenic areas I've seen in a long time.

And cold nights with fireplaces and warm feather duvets to keep us warm... Nothing quite as nice as lying in the dark, looking over the African bush (Lit by the moon) trough wall to ceiling glass doors in the glow of a fireplace. I am truly blessed...

And as for the young man. We had the best time together. We laughed, talked, had deep meaningful discussions, silly meaningless discussions and really enjoyed each other company. It seems I'm developing more than a fleeting interest in him... Which still feels a little wrong so close to Dawie's death, and then there's the nearly 19 years age gap to contend with too.

As for the place - it's absolutely stunning. Not only is it exquisitely decorated and maintained, very well designed and fully integrated into the surrounding nature - the service was also friendly, efficient and non - invasive, which is exactly what you need when you're on a break. They will definitely see us again. (And I will post some pictures soon - when I have a bit more time.)

So, a quick 'check in' to say that all is well in the world of the Kenya Worm, that my smile is genuine and my heart is warm.

Hope y'all had fruitful weekends!

TTFN

Weekend...

2009-06-26T08:26:00.002+02:00

So, this weekend we'll be spending some time in a Private Game Reserve in the Waterberg area in Limpopo Province. Firstly it's a LOT warmer than it is in the City at the moment (Joburg was zero degrees C this morning!) and all the big five roam in the reserve were we will be staying.

It's also the young man's 21st birthday, so we'll be celebrating that as well on Sunday. (My goodness, where was I when I turned 21...) Should be a most enjoyable weekend, and they offer one of those 'bush bath' numbers which I'm really looking forward to... For those that don't know, they place a large copper bath in the bush away from everyone and then fill it with steaming hot water and bubbles. They then leave you there for an hour with only a screen to protect your privacy from the armed guard that in turn protects you from the wild animals. Hope he's not too freaked out by the moaning... (Obviously the moaning will be from the very hot water!)

So here's wishing y'all a pretty weekend filled with love, smiles and sunshine. Mine will be filled with good food, lots of champers and long, slow days.

TTFN

Half a year...

2009-06-24T11:18:00.003+02:00

Today, six months ago, Dawie left me. Today, six months ago, my heart was broken in so many pieces that I thought it could never be repaired again. Today, six months ago, I lost the one person in this world that I was truly willing to die for, I loved him so. Today, six months ago, my life changed forever. Today, six months ago, I thought that the easiest way to handle this pain was to end it all. Today, six months ago, I lost everything I held dear...

Today, I feel sad at the loss of my love, but also feel that I can handle life on my own again. Today, I feel as if there is something to live for, even if it is sometimes a little 'shallow and non-sensical'. Today, I can function pretty well most of the time, with the occasional breakdowns. Today, I found out that life is truly amazing, and the human spirit can heal - even if it's a slow process...

Tomorrow, I will rise and face another day, but today, I will do what needs to be done and nothing more. Today, I'm thinking of the past, and that one person that made my life worth living for...

TTFN

A big old kick in the butt...

2009-06-22T08:29:00.003+02:00

This morning I'm thinking of my dear friend Bruce who is in hospital for a heart stent - and to be honest, I'm really worried about him. His family has a history of heart problems, and Bruce has diabetes to boot...

I met Bruce and his partner trough Dawie (They were his closest friends) and I've become very close to them over time - in fact, I would consider them some of my closest friends. They carried me trough my roughest patches and have always been there for me, and now I feel a little helpless - there is not much I can do at the moment except for being there for them and giving them my support. So, here's thinking of you guys today...

It's been one of those weekends where you wish it was a day or two longer. Yesterday was Fathers Day here in SA, and I spent the day at my sisters with all the family. Really great food (as per usual) and a stunning KWV Cab Sav with lunch.

The young man and I are going away for his birthday this weekend to a private game reserve in the Northern Province - about 4 hours driving from Pretoria - plus 40 minutes from where you park your car to the lodge via Land Rover. Really looking forward to that as well but it still feels a little unreal to be 'seeing' someone new... Just taking one day at a time!

And that, dear reader, is my boring life at the moment. Yesterday was the longest night/shortest day here so winter is 'on it's way out' as of today - better move it's arse, the cold is getting to me! I'm cranky when it's cold...

Hope y'all have a pretty week now - and fruitful obviously.

TTFN

The nectar of the gods...

2009-06-19T11:03:00.004+02:00

I have a well publicised love affair with beer. When in Kenya it was Tusker, but my new love is Peroni... Don't really drink that much, but boy, a cold beer is one of the rare pleasures of man... (BTW - the links will only work if you're over the legal age in your Country of Residence - how very corporately responsibly of them!)

So, to honour this little obsession of mine, here are a few choice pictures!

Now I hope y'all have a pretty weekend!

TTFN

Yeeeehaaaa!!!!

2009-06-17T07:53:00.002+02:00

I know, I know, after a while you should stop shouting about some things, but I'm still so proud of myself...

Your Quit Date is: Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 12:00:00 AM
Test Time Smoke-Free: 426 days, 12 hours, 57 minutes and 16 seconds
Cigarettes NOT smoked: 8531
Lifetime Saved: 2 months, 5 days, 4 hours
Money Saved: S1,491.00

Just thought I'd share this! 14 Months y'all!!!

TTFN

Economic Downturn...

2009-06-12T10:33:00.003+02:00

This seems to be the 'catchphrase' of the moment. Everyone is talking about the world's economic recession and what influence this is having on all and sundry. And even here on the Southern Tip of Africa it is having a profound effect on everyone - including me...

I've never believed in having too much debt, so on that level I'm actually smiling and my standard of living has not really been affected much, but for my parents, well, they are really feeling the effects. Not that they have any debt, but they are retired and are living of the interest on their investments - and with interest rates at an all time low, their income is a lot less than it was, say, a year ago. And pricing of general home ware and groceries are at an all time high. Tough one - so once again proving that no matter how well we plan things for our old age, it's not going to work out exactly as we planned.

To be honest, they are moaning with the golden spoon in the mouth - they still only shop at a high end grocery store, they still go on 'holiday' (Would you call it holiday if you're retired?) 6 to 8 times a year, but I can see that the economy is pinching a bit...

And this brings me to my point - I don't have children to fall back on if I ever get to that point in my life. My folks can bargain on me and my sisters to look after them if the need arises, but where will I look to if I ever get into that position? My Yorkies - as much as they would try, would not be able to look after daddy dearest in his moment of need? Not that my folks would ever be dependent on us, but they have the fallback, and I just don't...

Just a thought. A morbid one, but a thought none the less...

Have a pretty weekend y'all!

TTFN

Going crazy...

2009-06-11T13:26:00.003+02:00

So, exactly how much work can one human being do in one day? Oh, apparently it's quite a bit more that I though was possible... Yes, the office has been as crazy as they come and to add to my misery, it's the coldest and (this might come as a surprise!) wettest winter in years.

It never rains in winter in Joburg - well, never is a harsh word, it's very rare to get rain in Joburg in winter. It's usually cold and dry, now it's freezing and wet. I hate it. It's like Chinese water torture just not so much fun...

But enough moaning. It's one more night that I get to hand back 'the hounds from hell' to my parents and go back to my perfectly arranged and calm life. Strange how we adapt to our own environment, no? I mean, I grew up in that house - it has not really changed that much but now it drives me NUTS! I'm into calm, clean, perfectly ordered life and space and that is what I have in my own home. Maybe I'm just really pedantic...

TTFN

House Sitting.

2009-06-08T14:33:00.003+02:00

I'm house sitting at the moment for my parents. Not that I do not have a home of my own to look after as well, it's just that they have a LOT of dogs and animals and it's a lot easier to look after them in their own environment, and my puppies are better adapted at not being at home...

The one female daschund passed away on Saturday evening - she would have been 19 years old in July, so she's had a full innings, but it's still quite the shock to see a little animal die right in front of you. Also, all sorts of wounds opened up again... So, on Sunday morning, I put on my brave face and load her little body into a basket and drive off to the vet's to have her cremated - we're a civilized people here in the South of Africa... I leave her in the car and go inside to pay the fee. Meanwhile the cutest gay couple are buying dog food at the same time and the vet (who I know well) comes out to console me and give me a 'punch in the arm', and there my emotions take over and the tears are STREAMING down my cheeks... (Gawd, I'm such a girl sometimes!) So I have a (rather cute) vet holding me in his big strong veterinary arms on the one side, the cute gay couple offering to help me and buy me coffee on the other, and a receptionist who is hurling tissues at me like a women possessed - and all I want to do is bury myself with shame... What is a lad to do?

So, with that completed and Mom called - very emotional, I'm back at home - my parents home. Now with only five dogs, a very noisy parrot and a very nosy housekeeper. Please Friday come so I can return to my little enclave of sanity in Pretoria.

TTFN

Air France...

2009-06-05T09:13:00.003+02:00

I really did not want to post about this but with so many friends in the aviation industry, both here in SA and across the world, it makes me sick... How is it possible for an entire plane to just disappear without a trace? And for 126 men, 82 women, 7 children and a baby to lose their lives in an instant...

One South African was on the plane - a father of three young ones, and it's splashed all over the news and papers on this side. As I work in the media it's obviously even more 'in your face' that it would normally be, and they keep on running the story over and over again. Sometimes I think that 'my industry' is really cold and calculating. I mean, you're working with people's emotions and feelings here, not some inanimate 'thing' that is not affected by what your publish...

Just going trough a bit of an emotional 'conundrum' at the moment. Where do we draw the line? What should be published and what would be better left alone.

Oh well, the old adage says: Good news is bad news, and bad news is brilliant news...

Have a pretty weekend y'all!

TTFN

Well I never...

2009-06-04T07:56:00.004+02:00

This sort of flies in the face of the 'nature vs nurture' argument, doesn't it?

I've always believed that my parents did a sterling job of raising me and my sisters, so how could it be the 'nurture thingy'...

Feeling about as creative as driftwood at the moment so not really posting much. It just seems that my life sort of flows from one day to the next - it's all an enormous gray blur. Sure it's partly because of winter having hit us with a vengeance - not my favourite season.

So, long story short - I'm not going to bore you with some long winded account of my life at the moment. I have a few posts that I've written and not posted, but that will have to wait until I feel like editing and making them worth reading...

Hope y'all are pretty!

TTFN

Hanging around...

2009-05-29T08:48:00.005+02:00

Going to a birthday party tonight for a French couple that have made Pretoria their home. She is a student at UP (An Afrikaans university - brave women) and he's a computer geek but quite a nice one - can actually have a conversation without switching over to binary code... I met them trough the 'young man' recently and this whole 'relationship' I'm having with him is, well, for lack of a better word, enlightening. (I think...)

You see, he's turned out to be a rather intelligent and worldly wise little man. He's nearly twenty one, works four different jobs to support himself and pay for his studies (does this on his own, no help from parents, loans or bursaries), works as an AIDS councillor at an organization for gay folks in Pretoria, is well read, speaks four different languages, the list goes on... At twenty one I was a walking hard - on, that's all I was interested in, and spoilt rotten - my parents were paying for my studies and I got a generous allowance every month, had a car of my own, a house of my own and partied away every single day.

What changed? Now I'm responsible, but it took me nearly twenty years to get there... All I'm really trying to say is that I'm really enjoying his company and attentions. Still not sure if I'm 100% ready to commit to someone new though...

Hope y'all have a really great weekend!

TTFN

Why I watch Rugby...

2009-05-28T08:06:00.003+02:00

Do y'all understand now?

TTFN

Weekend Fun.

2009-05-25T09:23:00.004+02:00

The weekend was so needed and yet, I'm knackered this morning... Probably my own fault as I did not take the time to rest a bit and last week was HECTIC crazy at work. Can't wait for middle of June when we have a public holiday again and I can take a long weekend. But in the meantime, will have to make a point of taking it a little easy.

Friday evening I went to dinner with a few friends and enjoyed our usual spot tremendously. HEAT is a 'family friendly' restaurant that caters for a customer that does not want to be rushed trough his meal - I'm a bit of a local there...

Then on Saturday it was Rugby Semi Finals at Loftus in Pretoria and I went to go and watch the game - yes, I'm quite the butch little number if I wanna be. I've always been a Shark supporter but they did not make it to the semi's so I'll support the only South African team left in the race - and they won, so this weekend it's Finals, again at Loftus. Will see if I can get tickets, they are pretty scarce...

Then yesterday T and I went for breakfast, went to the Roof Market at Rosebank. She was looking for a painting and I was dragged along as the 'gay friend with an eye for decor'. Not intending to buy a thing - the house is full enough, I decided that I'll only get some delicacies at the deli (pun not intended) as they have a stunning selection if olives, stuffed pepadews, cheeses and cold meats. This was for dinner on Sunday evening as the young man was coming over for a visit.

Well, we ended up eating all sorts of fun little nibbly bits in the bedroom, and then made a nice platter for ourselves to enjoy afterwards... Great, fragrant blue cheese, olives stuffed with garlic and olives stuffed with blue cheese, pepadews stuffed with feta, rare roast beef, great Camembert cheese and a freshly baked fresh loaf. Stunning... Really enjoying my time with the young man, he's intelligent, well spoken, soft hearted and in general just a really great guy. Don't know what's going to happen and not over thinking it too much. Will see what happens and just go with the flow.

So, that was my 'boring' weekend. Really need a little bit of a rest...

TTFN

Normal...

2009-05-20T10:56:00.005+02:00

So last night I'm having a ball of fun at Rocky Horror and then I get home... As I'm a Facebook/Voyeur.com addict (Think I've admitted this before.) I quickly log in to 'check' and my aunt (My Mom's sister - we have a very special relationship - long story, will tell it one day.) has left a note on my wall...

Lately she's been really busy writing the nicest things on her updates about how we should treat others, love unconditionally, be ourselves regardless, smile, be happy etc etc. Really profound stuff. And then she writes on my wall that at our last Family Festival in September last year (a yearly get together of family for a weekend) Dawie, who at that stage was already really sickly and weak, told her that he would lay down his own life for me at the drop of a hat if it could save mine... I remember him saying this, and at that stage I dismissed it as 'just talk'... Now she tells me that her inspiration for all her 'words of wisdom' come from this specific incident, and that he was (her words) 'a stunning friend/partner'.

And here I am 'dating' again and starting afresh. I did not sleep a wink. I'm tired, emotional and a complete wreck today. How dare I just go on with life if Dawie meant so much to me? How dare I think that I could ever replace him?

I'm a mess...

Gawd - think I should start taking those 'happy tabs' again!

It's astounding, time is fleeting...

2009-05-19T14:55:00.003+02:00

So me and young man are going out to watch the 'Rocky Horror Show' tonight. I've been to this specific show before (It's the second run at the theatre) and it really is worth it going. Dawie and I went together about 5 years ago...

Sure, the characters aren't as good as Tim Curry in the movie, but that's to be expected, and it really is fun when you all get to do the time warp together with the cast... Gawd - us 'gurls' love a good moment of drama and big arm movements!

When I was young (Back in 1920...) a friend had a Rocky Horror party and I dressed up as 'Frank N Fruter' - not looking completely dissimilar to Tim Curry in the picture on the right. As my car was 'non functional' that specific evening I 'borrowed' my sisters VW Beetle Bug and we piled into the car and drove off to the party. Later (Much later and quite a few bottles of liquid refreshment later) we decided to go to the local gay bar in Pretoria for a few more drinks. It was pouring with rain and me and 7 other friends piled into the Beetle.

As we drove down the hill in Waterkloof (A very posh upmarket area of Pretoria) I lost control of the car and slid into the front lawn of a rather imposing mansion on Lois Ave, coming to a halt just in front of their front door. As we started bailing out of the car (nobody got hurt, we were going very slowly) the owner of the house came rushing out to see what was going on. Now, try and imagine his face when he looked at me - mascara running down my cheeks from the heavy rain, a 6''4 man in suspenders and a leotard and a VERY LARGE wig being ruined by incessant rain... It took some convincing from our side for him not to call my parents. I did however have to explain to my sister the next day why her Beetle was not quite so pristine anymore after being 'parked' in the yard all evening. She just won't let me live that one down, btw.

So, tonight I'm on a 'date' - what fun, and this on a Tuesday evening. I'm such a rebel me...

TTFN

Winter is here!

2009-05-18T15:49:00.004+02:00

And mummy is NOT a happy camper! I don't do winter very well. It a miserable time of the year. Part of what I loved about Kenya was that winter was all of three weeks long and it was never really that cold (I know my Kenyan readers will disagree, but see it from my point of view.) . This morning it was 1 (1, I ask you!) outside the car on the way to work. Pretoria (where I live) is always a few degrees warmer than Joburg (where I work) and this was in a dip on the way. Fine, it's a perfect 22 in the car and my buns are nice and toasty from the seat heaters, but it looks cold outside and it feels cold outside, so I'm miserable. And then I'm trying to lose weight this time of the year...

There are advantages to winter in South Africa - great winter fruit, sleeping under the goose down duvet, hearty stews and hot puddings with warm custard (Oh wait, trying to lose the pounds so that's out!), cuddling (miss Dawie...), nights in around the heater (miss Dawie still...), my doggies in their pj's - too cute for words, Mom's pancakes, Mom's vegetable soup (Heaven!!!), Woolies's smoked haddock chowder, etc, etc.

So, hold onto your loved ones, cuddle up under a warm blanket and enjoy the cold weather. I, on the other hand will be cuddling up to my dogs with the gas heater blaring in the corner...

Warm thoughts to all,

TTFN

Losing the odd pound...

2009-05-15T12:27:00.004+02:00

So this is the last weekend that I'm allowed to just stuff stuff down my throat... Yes, as of Monday I'll be on my new fitness and health regime...

So, I have a personal trainer. I've had one session with her already - her nickname is Hitler, and I going to empty the cupboards off all the offending goods this weekend. Don't worry - not putting it in the bin, I'll eat it all! (Just kidding!) If there are no sweet treats in the house I cannot eat them. So it's going to be rice cakes and cottage cheese now - how very exciting!

Hitler - a short ULTRA fit little black lady has the bedside (treadmill side?) manner of sand paper but at least she's not intimidated. I'm about double her weight (if not more) and double her height so she could easily have stood back for my 'bitchy little disposition' but she does not back down - which is what I pay her for. The fact that I could not turn the steering wheel on my way home was apparently not that important to her... We will see how well this lasts but I have three (!!!!) sessions a week with her, so hopefully we will be able to see our feet in a couple of months... (It's not that bad, but it feels that bad! I can see my feet - I have mirrors.)

So, here we go from Goodyear Blimp to ... well, I don't know but at least my 'healthy lifestyle' is on the move.

Quit smoking - we've been having it,

Lose the weight - we should be having it,

Get fit - Hitler will be having it!

Hope y'all have a really pretty weekend!

TTFN

Thursday's little bit of wisdom/stupidity!

2009-05-14T09:08:00.002+02:00

Had such a lovely evening with the young one, we talked, laughed, ate Thai food and generally just got to know each other a little better... And then my mind starts racing all over the place again and starts wondering if it's too 'soon' to start seeing someone again? Or what kind of future would a relationship with someone HALF my age have? Or, or, or...

Then, after thinking about this for a little bit I thought - just enjoy it sweetie! I cannot possibly know what tomorrow holds for me, or where I'll be next week. Yes, I can plan stuff and have a pretty good idea, but at the end of the day nobody knows for sure, so let the moment be exactly what it is at that moment. Let things slide and just be myself...

So that is my wisdom for today. No Witty commentry or snide remarks or 'bitchiness', just:

'LET IT BE'

I'm gonna try...

TTFN

Movies...

2009-05-13T08:24:00.004+02:00

Tonight we (Me and young man) are going to the movies. Gonna watch the 'Wolverine' movie - directed by a fellow Souf Efriken - Gavin Hood. We're a proud people us Souf Efrikens - we like it A LOT when one of our own make it... So, even if I'm not a big Sci-Fi/Sci-whatever fan, I will go and watch the movie - besides, I might just get to cop a feel somewhere during the night. (Oh Shit - did I say that out loud...) Won't really do it - but I'm not made of stone I'll let you know!

Besides - Hugh Jackman plays the lead - WOOF! (No pun intended... Do Wolves even go WOOF?) Anyway, I digress.

This will be our first social outing (me and young man's) so it should be quite interesting. I'm a little uncertain as to how to approach it but I'm sure I'll be fine. He knows about my history (Told him about Dawie etc) and he also knows where my head is, so it should all work out fine. I must admit here that I have not 'dated' in YEARS so this is all a bit daunting...

Well, enough drivel and insecurity - time to take the bull by the horn(s)...

Hope y'all have a productive day.

TTFN

PS: I know I sound all confident and self assured but I'm actually a very shy and withdrawn boy, so keep your fingers crossed that I don't cock it up royally!

And on a lighter note...

2009-05-12T15:09:00.002+02:00

Failing at the 'pretending' bit, but one can only but try...

Another day...

2009-05-06T10:18:00.004+02:00

So last night I'm in the most excellent mood (Traffic was a breeze, had some stunning Thai noodles for dinner and got a call from a friend I have not spoken to in a while) - watch a bit of Ugly Betty, laugh, and then it's the episode where Molly informs Daniel that she has cancer and she needs her space. I duly cry myself to sleep after this and then it starts raining - honestly, how melodramatic can one queen become... Maybe it was just a little close to home.

And on another note - I met a very nice (YOUNG!) man. Not ready to go into another relationship but enjoying the attention. Did I mention he's YOUNG? Very young - twenty years younger than I am... Can I hear you say 'pedophile'? Just chatting at the moment and he is wise beyond his years, which I'm really enjoying. I miss talking to someone on a more than superficial level and he's a great conversationalist... (OK fine, I'll stop trying to justify it!)

My poor father is going moggy - he went to the Post Office and signed for my new Credit Cards - they duly sent me a text informing me that they were collected and I stopped them, thinking it's some sort of scam. He them tries to use them (WTF!) and nearly gets arrested for fraud... Did I mention my dad has 'Alzheimer's light' and we have the same initials? My poor mom is devastated but I just reassured them that I'm here for them and we can sort this out too. So when exactly do parents become children again?

Just a few random thoughts from me today - no specific order and completely 'allovertheplace'.

Hugs and hope y'all are well,

TTFN

Honest Scrap... FINALLY!

2009-05-04T16:01:00.003+02:00

Tamaku 'awarded' me with this little thingy, and I promised him I would get to it soon, so here goes... (Better late than never - and THANKS T!)

Apparently I have to post 10 things about myself and then award it to someone (7!) else... I will be leaving up here for anybody to post on their blog's if they feel so.

As for the ten things people should know/not know about me :

1. I'm a total Facebook addict. There, I've said it. And no, it's not under my blogger name...

2. At the moment I look like a Telly Tubby - put a purple tri-angle on my head and you would not be able to discern me from Twinky Winky (or whatever his name is), but this is being addressed. This happened after quitting smoking and with Dawie's passing - I'm a comfort eater. (Damn, another confession!)

3. I love my latest car A LOT and I drive it like it's stolen. I'm on a first name basis with the traffic department in Pretoria for all the speeding tickets I get, so this is a monthly 'budget item'. Not good... Pescy little camera traps!

4. I work. I know, it's hard to believe, but yes, even I have to earn a living. Who knew!

5. I'm a bit of a fussy eater. For one thing, I don't eat Guava. I also don't eat Guava... (Souf Efrikens will get the joke, not so sure of the rest of the world.)

6. I don't camp. My idea of 'roughin' it' is a lodge without aircon. If God intended us to sleep on the ground he would have given us a lot more padding. Oh wait - maybe I have this all wrong - see no 2.

7. I'm a little sarcastic sometimes - maybe even a little today...

8. I love my family a lot but they also drive me nuts - how that is possible I will have to figure out one day. Now, I just accept it. How fascinating!

9. I am unable to sleep in pj's. So, even in a hospital environment I will be nekkid under the sheets...

10. I'm a sucker for a puppy/dog. I will ignore everybody and go straight to the dog when arriving at someone's home. Cats, not so much though...

There, really random and the 'best' I can do right now...

Have a pretty day y'all!

My new boyfriend - Superman.

2009-05-04T14:44:00.004+02:00

I know it's probably wrong, but this really tickles my 'slightly' warped sense of humour... How can this be a toy for children?

Anyhoo - a little update. Packing Dawie's stuff away was therapeutic and it actually helped me write another (short) chapter in my book of life. It was tough but so necessary. Fascinating. That's my new word - fascinating. Anything 'crappy' happens I just go ' How fascinating'.

Also had time to fix the new panel heaters in the bedroom and living room areas of the house - winter approaching rapidly and today's daytime temp are as low as 18C - not very pleasant... Nights set to go down to zero in Jozie (work) and about 5 in Pretoria where I live. Winter - my least favourite season!

So, time for me to catch up with my 'blogger buddies' across the world as I've been a bad little blogger for quite some time now. Feeling better now...

Hope y'all are well,

TTFN

Emotional rollercoaster...

2009-04-27T19:15:00.002+02:00

I've taken a few days leave in order for me to 'clean - up' a few things around the house. This basically means that I taking Dawie's clothes and personal belongings and giving them to charity... Why, in the name of all that is holy do I feel so guilty/bad/raw etc etc. Honestly, it's just a never ending rollercoaster of emotional chaos.

I know it's unreal (or silly) but I feel as if I'm removing Dawie from my life. I feel as if I'm 'removing' him from our home. Why? Why?

And the biggest why is still why did he have to die?

Fuck it - I can't do this anymore...

Democracy.

2009-04-21T10:30:00.004+02:00

Tomorrow we will be going to the polls again in what will probably go down in history as a watershed election in South Africa. Watershed for a number of reasons, but mostly because of all the controversy surrounding the big role players. And watershed because of the turn-out expected at the voting stations. At least we can all vote - meaning that this is another truly democratic election in the 'New South Africa'.

There was a time in South Africa's history that this was not so, but I also believe that we as South Africans should now stop harping on the past and start working towards a mutually beneficial future for all her people. Yes, there is a legacy that needs to be smoothed over but before we learn to look forward instead of always looking to the past, we will never really achieve our perfect future that we are all hoping for.

So, with that...

I hope all our people get a chance to make an informed, measured cross on a piece of paper tomorrow,

I hope that this process will be peaceful and that no unnecessary violence takes place,

I hope that our new leaders will make it a priority to look after all the people of this wonderful country and not just those that follow their ideology.

Tomorrow morning at seven my housekeeper and I will be standing in a qeue to make our contribution to this country...

TTFN

WTH! (Same as the other version, I'm trying not to swear.)

2009-04-16T13:54:00.003+02:00

I'm not anal (OK fine, I am but let it slide this time...) but honestly, don't people have full length mirrors in their homes anymore? Why do people dress the way they do? Honestly - who died and said it's OK to look like the village tramp after a rough night when you come to work? Yes, today is casual Friday, but does that mean that we can 'chuck' something onto ourselves and decide that now we look 'pretty'?

Just sitting in my office (Fishbowl) this morning and watching the staff arrive for work. Some are always dressed impeccably and look professional, but some honestly should be arrested by the fashion politzia. Not that I'm a slave to fashion - I mean, mostly not a slave to fashion, but really... Looking like the love child of Ugly Betty and Barnie is just not cool...

On another note, my laptop is on the fritz. Again! It's like the little men that go and fetch files when I open a new item have unionized and are now on a go slow until they receive better living conditions. Apparently my musty old laptop bag is no longer good enough. No, we have to get Prada or Armani or some label of sorts. And, they now require a two hour lunch break - who knew?

Really being a bit silly this morning. Hope y'all have a really pretty weekend now!

TTFN

Ps: I think Crocs are the ugliest shoes EVER!

Quit-aversary!

2009-04-15T14:54:00.004+02:00

I'm actually quite proud of myself....

Your Quit Date is: Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 12:00:00 AM
Test Time Smoke-Free: 365 days, 13 hours, 22 minutes and 40 seconds
Cigarettes NOT smoked: 7311
Lifetime Saved: 1 month, 25 days, 20 hours
Money Saved: S1,277.50

Now, how is that for an achievement. One whole year without the 'stuff'.

TTFN

The Easter Weekend.

2009-04-14T09:28:00.004+02:00

Funny how 'special' days have an effect on me. Any normal day (Monday to Sunday) does not get to me so much anymore, but when there is a day that is not 'normal', I'm not quite so normal either. Well, I'm sure this is part of the process.

Not that I was 'silly and emotional' all weekend, just on Sunday morning. Dawie and I would have gone to Church together and would have spent the day together with family, but I was with friends and family on my own.

Time to stop this little 'pity party' I have going here.

Had a reasonably quiet time this weekend with a few friends and my family. Friday I spent with a dear old friend who came over for dinner and movies. Well, sort of dinner - she is on a very strict diet and will only eat skinless chicken and veg, so that's what we had. Did taste quite nice and would not mind eating that again - I made some grilled chicken breast on top of mushrooms pan friend with some garlic and spinach, and steamed baby potatoes. Altogether very healthy and tasty.

Saturday was spent pottering around the house and garden and in the evening dinner with D and his new lovey, D. They are a stunning couple, even though it's pretty new, it seems they are 'gelling' quite nicely.

Sunday was spent with my family - we celebrated mom's birthday that took place in the week and had a really nice leg of lamb that was cooked in the Weber with veggies and potatoes. Obviously, meat is still affordable here!

Yesterday I took my mom shopping for her birthday gift. She said she needed some new clothes and we went to one of the larger malls in Pretoria and shopped till be dropped. Winter is coming to SA soon so I also bought myself a brown sued jacket and a new coat - in black cashmere. Just could not help myself...

As much as I was surrounded my people most of the time this weekend it all felt so lonely. Silly me, I know, but still... This too shall pass!

TTFN

I know it's a little naughty, but...

2009-04-09T14:19:00.001+02:00

Happy Easter y'all!

Hope you get to spend some time with loved ones!

TTFN

The weekend (Part 2)

2009-04-06T11:19:00.005+02:00

So the weekend is done. A very emotional and 'draining' experience, but also extremely cleansing... Weird, but it feel like a ton of bricks was lifted of my emotional state. It was the worst thing I've ever had to do, but also one of the single most cleansing (and amazing) experiences I've ever had.

We arrived at Crystal Springs on Friday eve, had some dinner and a good cry, took my 'cocktail' to go to sleep and woke up pretty early on Saturday Morning. Tried to eat some breakfast and then set off for God's Window. L & B - dear old friends, brought some white lilies along that we carried up the mountain. White lilies was Dawie's favourite... It's about a half an hour's heavy hike to the top of the mountain - past the normal viewpoints and trough the rain forest to the absolute top.

The mountain was covered with mist and it was rather chilly. We found a secluded spot on a cliffs edge and we each said a few words. The mist was thick and cold, but as I tipped the earn and slowly started scattering his ashes, a gust of wind came up and blew the spot were we stood open and clear. You could see for miles and miles of indigenous forest and mountains. It was absolutely amazing, for as the last of the ashes fell to the ground, the mist slowly engulfed the spot were we stood again and you could hardly see a few feet ahead of you. And then this amazing peace descended on me...

The other friends started going back down again but L and I stood there for a few more minutes, said a prayer together and then started down the mountain again. When we got to the bottom, we all stood in a circle and just hugged each other for a while.

I'm thankful that this could be shared with friends. I'm thankful that these friends truly loved Dawie and that we could all experience this moment together. I'm thankful for so much, but the one thing that I'm most thankful for is that I could share a few years of my life with Dawie, and that I was there for him when he left this world for the next, better place. Yes, I miss him terribly, but I'm also more and more aware that our time together was extremely special. Very few people ever get a chance to be so close to another human being...

I love you D.

TTFN

The weekend.

2009-04-03T08:39:00.004+02:00

The video had me in tears. Well, most anything has me in tears at the moment - a moose farts in Alaska and I'm in tears, but this is really brave and true...

This weekend we're off to scatter Dawie's ashes in a place called God's Window. It was one of our favourite spots in the world. It's stunningly beautiful and the view is phenomenal. I think he would appove...

So, long story short - another chapter is done this weekend. This book of me and Dawie is starting to slowly but surely become a book of smiles and not just sorrow. Don't for one second think I'm not still sad A LOT of the time, but some of the sadness has been replaced with happy momories.

As for Saturday - I'm going to be a wreck but at least I'll be surrounded by people who love me and who loved him.

One more day passes...

TTFN

April Fool.

2009-04-01T11:39:00.006+02:00

Today would be the day that I would usually have gotten someone to call Dawie and try and fool him with some silly joke. Most of the time it did not really work, he was to bright for that but it was something we would share and laugh about later. I miss his sense of humour and razor sharp wit...

One year I got a friend of a friend to leave a message for him to call her back. She worked at a clinic that specializes in 'gender reassignment' surgery - sex changes. I had been complaining all week that my 'breast' hurt and were sensitive but could not tell him why. She told him that my appointment for the assessment would need to be moved as the doctor was ill - she then pretended to have called him in error. This one worked like a charm - for about a second. He called me at the office and asked me if there was anything that I needed to tell him. He promised me that he would understand but also stressed that a 'big built', six foot four man would not look good in a dress.

And, he said, my features were way too manly for me to go trough this type of operation... And then he said to me that this was probably the weakest of all my April fool's jokes ever! We screamed with laughter for quite some time after this.

I miss him...

Here's wishing you all good memories, lots of laughter on this day!

TTFN

You needed me...

2009-03-31T12:11:00.001+02:00

This song is stuck in my head this morning...

Honestly, can I be any more pathetic/gay/sad...

Random stuff...

2009-03-30T09:11:00.004+02:00

The week has started off with a bang, and I'm just not in the mood for anything really... So, instead of me writing a whole load of thoughts here that will make you yawn, fall asleep and duly fall of your chair (and then sue me for the worst case of boredom ever!), some pictures:

Ellie in the Kruger Park.

Jason & Jessica (With favourite toy) on 'their' couch on the veranda.

More ellie pic's. My favourite aminal...

Group of ellies.

Jess just back from the parlour - she loves Auntie Jandre that 'does' their hair. Oh, the 'do' only lasts a few hours then it's back to normal...

And this is where I'm going this weekend to scatter Dawie's ashes. Maybe that is why I'm so damn emotional...

Have a good week all,

TTFN

My new 'hobby'.

2009-03-25T08:10:00.011+02:00

I had a stunning herb salad with snoek (An oily white fish) & smoked haddock fish cakes for dinner last night. The herb salad was made with ingredients from my own garden - I had this sheepish grin the whole time I was preparing dinner and I really enjoyed it! More so because it was grown in my own back yard! Mummy is VERY impressed with himself today!

A couple of things I've noticed about 'gardening' - if that is what you can call me watering a few plants, weeding a bit and generally just standing there admiring the landscapers work, gardening.

It's good for the soul! It truly is relaxing and your mind just clears. After spending nigh on two hours in 'serious' traffic there is just nothing better than standing outside as the sun sets and watering my little patch of earth.

I'm spending more time outside now that there is something to look at. I use to get home, switch on the AC and get busy with my things inside, but now I'm setting the little table outside for dinner, lighting a candle and enjoying my dinner el fresco. My housekeeper thinks I've gone moggy (It is still quite warm), but I'm loving it!

I'm spending more time at home (When I'm home) - not running away from the 'feelings' inside anymore. To be honest, been finding any excuse of late to not be at home, so this is good too. Think I'm settling into my new 'single person' routine. Don't do well as a single person, but this is the cards I've been dealt and I will play them. Anyway, not even remotely ready for another relationship...

All in all I think this is the best thing I could have done. It's good for me - and it keeps me busy.

A few pic's to entertain/bore/nauseate etc etc.

Bowls I bought in Swaziland from Ngwenya Glass - Glass & Ceramic.

Sunset on the Crocodile River from my parents place. Sooooo stunning.

TTFN

My trip 'back home'.

2009-03-23T10:06:00.003+02:00

It's been a strange couple of days. Strange good and trange bad, but altogether mostly good. I'm tired as hell and really need a bit of a break (again!) but I'm really glad I stayed the extra night in Nairobi and spent some time with my friends - but regretting it this morning (I don't function too well with little to no sleep). Will make a point of getting to bed early tonight - just after Grey's.

Being in Nairobi again for the first time in nearly a year was weird. Being there for the first time since hubby passed was gut wrenching. Don't know why but I was 'uber' emotional this weekend, thank goodness for good friends that understand and support. Even had a little cry on the plane yesterday - I was consolled by the cute air steward who was serving business class... Bless him!

Seeing all my old staff members was great - they all miss me and want me to come back - makes me feel very special, bless them! As for all my old friend - stunning people. Wish I could see them more often. Also had the pleasure of eating at the new Osteria in Karen on Friday night - brilliant place and then a few (read too many!) drinks with friends at numerous pubs across the area. (Hence the tired feeling this morning!)

I have so many thought at the moment, having real trouble putting them down on 'paper' but will write. And will post, but in time.

Hope y'all are doin' fine!

TTFN

Sad.

2009-03-17T12:19:00.002+02:00

It's just been such an emotional time of late and then the universe just keeps on piling it on. I'm tired...

This weekend Lynn lost her battle with cancer. She's been fighting for the last couple of years and has always has such a postive outlook on life, not only for herself but for her two lovely daugters that now haveto grow up without their mommy. She was only 37 years old. How is this fair?

Then Gerhard also lost his battle this weekend. 38, and dead. I can't do this anymore. All my wounds that I thought are heeling are just opened up again. I'm a wreck...

Just fuck it all.

The stages of love.

2009-03-16T13:27:00.003+02:00

I feel about as creative as a mouldy cracker today, so just going to post a little something a friend sent to me - he got it from Mamba Online - just thought it appropriate...

Lesbians and Gays are a sexually abused culture. We are under sexual assault regularly from society. We are only seen for our sex acts and are told that we are dirty and bad for having sexual feelings and for wanting intimate relationships with members of our own gender.

With a lifetime of receiving these messages we run from each other so as not to be exposed or identified as one of those "forbidden and dirty people." We have no one to tell. Oprah Winfrey talks about the first time she saw African American people on television. She was watching Ed Sullivan introduce the Supremes and ran through her home yelling to her family in excitement and pride that African Americans were on TV.

Can you imagine any of us as gays and lesbians doing this as children—or even adults—yelling through our home that homosexuals were on television? Of course not.

We enter adult love relationships with internalised messages that we are inherently damaged and flawed as people. Problems begin to arise as a result. What we do not realise, however, is that these problems are supposed to happen and they can offer us the greatest amount of personal healing. Problems can also help a relationship grow and strengthen.

We enter relationships through the doorway of romantic love. This is a time when people report feelings of elation, exhilaration and euphoria. Partners will say things like, "Oh, I can't live without you," and/or "It seems like I've always known you. I feel whole when I'm in your presence."

This feeling is strongest in the presence of one's partner. It is during this period of time we can go without much sleep. If we have been depressed, we are less so. Addictions seem to subside and so on. This stage is what our society calls real love.

Movies, books, television, songs, etc. focus on this period because it feels so great. But it is not real love. It is only nature's way of bringing two people together. It is supposed to happen and supposed to come to an end. Most people do not know this. For us, as lesbians and gays, it is a time that has even more importance to us.

"...it seems easier to terminate the relationship, have affairs, and engage in addictions..."

It is like we have found something that we were told we would never have. We feel so loved and authentic. We have waited a lifetime for a connection to someone like this and we don't want it to end. And when it does end, it moves us to sometimes even more despair about relationships than we had before. It is like confirmation that we are doomed and cannot have long-term healthy relationships.

After romantic love ends, the next stage of a relationship is called the power struggle. It, too, is supposed to happen and supposed to end. However, this phase does not feel as good and disillusionment arises. It is here that we are most aware of the differences between ourselves and our partner. Conflict arises as a result of the belief that these differences are not good for a relationship when in fact they are.

This conflict is growth (both personal and relational) trying to happen. It promotes a way to differentiate from one's partner and for each to keep a sense of self and also be a couple. For lesbians and gays, it is even more important to us in relationships to keep our sense of self because we have spent a lifetime being forced to conform and disown ourselves.

Thus, it seems easier to terminate the relationship, have affairs, and engage in addictions rather than face the conflict and fear of losing ourselves.

Many also feel that it is confirmation that we cannot have relationships. The good news, however, is that the power struggle we face with our partners is a positive indicator that we are with the right person. It is that person who will challenge us to make necessary changes for ourselves. It is an opportunity to maintain closeness while still maintaining one's own individuality.

Isn't that what we want for ourselves from society as a whole and from our families anyway? To be who we are, they who they are and to allow the differences to exist. Incompatibility is grounds for a relationship and is the norm for partnerships. If you don't know this information and what to do about working it through you can walk away from your dream partner.

Real love, mature love can only emerge once partners move through romantic love and the power struggle. Gays and lesbians deserve to know this information and to have the relationship of their dreams. It is our birthright.

Been there - had that. Mature love - miss him...

TTFN

And on a lighter note...

2009-03-13T12:07:00.004+02:00

I LOVE these guys. It's one of the blog's that I follow.

Have a good weekend y'all!

TTFN

Politics suck.

2009-03-13T09:05:00.002+02:00

So, this little bit of wisdom came out of the mouth of the leader of the ANC, Jacob 'Aids is a myth and can be washed off with a shower' Zuma. Now where have we heard that before - oh wait, I remember - the previous election. Idiot. Twat. Fool. Honestly, just how stupid does he think the South African public is?

Just having a little rant. Thank you for listening.

TTFN

Annoyed and other stuff.

2009-03-12T09:16:00.000+02:00

Maybe it's something to do with my crappy internet connection but I'm (once again) unable to upload pictures.

Mommy is not happy!

Other stuff:

Time seems to be going to fast - I'm worried that I'll forget Dawie or lose something while this year speeds along. I know it sounds silly - I miss him terribly, I want him to still be here but life just seems to be carrying on regardless. My grief is 'just there' and not really part of my world anymore. Silly, I know, but true.

I've trown myself into things at an alarming rate and have not taken the time to really grieve. Been busy with stuff, been busy traveling, been busy with gardening, a new car, last will and testaments, policies, work, people, work, etc etc. But not busy with dealing with things. This is so typically me - don't face the difficult stuff, just do something else to keep you busy.

How do you close a book if you feel that you have not read it to the end?

How do you stop feeling so damn lonely even if you're surrounded by people?

How do I stop feeling so sorry for myself?

Sorry, just not such a great day...

TTFN

Traffic and Minibus Taxi's (Matatu's)

2009-03-11T08:12:00.000+02:00

So, as of Monday this week the JMPD (Johannesburg Metro Police Department) are arresting drivers that are driving recklessly inside the CBD and on the mayor highways in and around the city. For my foreign readers this might not mean a lot, but I'm sure my Kenyan readers will understand this very well.

You see, as South Africa (Or Joburg specifically) has no real public transport system to speak about, most working class South Africans are forced to use Minibus Taxi's for their daily commute. These guys have a total disregard for their passenger and other road users - I'm generalizing, but the same applies in Nairobi with the Matatus. (Or in other African Capitals, really) They tend to overload their vehicles, speed, overtake when not safe, drive in the emergency lane etc etc. I feel very sorry for the poor folks that have to use these taxi's every day - it must be terrible to fear for your life every time you commute to work...

Anyway, to get back to my story - in the past Taxi drivers just ignored the JMPD when they received a ticket for a traffic violation, and things got worse over time. Now, with better vehicles (Mercedes Sprinters and Toyota Quantum's) they are also driving really fast - which leads to horrific accidents taking place. So, JMPD have decided to arrest folks (Not just taxi drivers, everybody) that drive in the Emergency lane, exceed the speed limit by more than 60kph, skip red traffic lights and overtake into oncoming traffic.

This means that as of this morning, 120 extra traffic cops are on Joburg's roads to keep us law abiding citizens safe - and you can see the difference. My commute was a whole 20 minutes shorter than usual just because everybody followed the rules. AMAZING!

Well done JMPD - for once, I'm a happy camper!

TTFN

I'm baaaaaack!

2009-03-10T11:28:00.003+02:00

Well, how times flies when you're having fun... It just seems like the few days spent with my family went by so quickly that I can hardly believe it's over already. Damn, now it's all the way to July before I can take some leave again. Well, except for a long weekend in April when we're going to God's Window to scatter Dawie's ashes - but that is a story for another day.

It was hot and humid in the Lowveld where we were and to be honest, we did not do a hell of a lot. As my family shows love by feeding you I obviously came home a 'little' (said very lightly - hee, hee) heavier. Mom's always believed that tears can be stopped with chocolate, happiness should be celebrated with a braai (BBQ), indiference should be overcome with a potato bake - basically any mood can be changed/celebrated/encouraged/discouraged by adding some home cooked goodness. This is the reason we used 3 different cars to transport 7 people to the destination, and one of them is a seven seater MPV/minivan that towed a luggage trailer! (I will post pictures of the packing when I download the camera...)

We spent a lot of time just talking and being together, a lot of time reading, and catching up on some well deserved afternoon naps. Also a lot of time next to the pool as it was hot and humid - but I've said that already. Long walks in the bush resulted in long dips in the pool followed by a little snack. Long games of Putt Putt (Mini Golf) resulted in long dips in the pool followed by a little snack. Long drives into the Game park resulted - I think you get the picture... And yes, you can turn me on my side, throw a few lights on me and call me the Goodyear Blimp!

Will post some pic's soon for y'all to see, but basically this is just a quick HELLO to all in Blogland! Missed y'all see!

TTFN

We're all going on a Summer Holiday...

2009-02-27T07:18:00.002+02:00

Well, not all of us, but I am, so there!

Will be away from 'civilization' for 10 days relaxing with my family. Should be fun. It's the first time since Dawie's death that I'm able to switch off a bit and I'm thinking this will be good. Also good that I'm surrounded by people that love me and loved Dawie...

See y'all in a few days,

TTFN

Souf Efriken Airways...

2009-02-26T12:20:00.002+02:00

I just thought that some of y'all might enjoy this. If you did not know - recently, on two seperate occasions, crew members of South African Airways (SAA) were arrested at Heathrow for possesion of illegal substances - Coke and Wackey Tabakkey...

Gotta love this country!

TTFN

The Garden.

2009-02-25T07:45:00.006+02:00

Promised a few pics, so let's see how long this lasts...

While the going is good - this is the 'pot garden' at the back door. We've planted Lemon Verbena, Coriander, Rocket, Rosemary, Thyme, Lemon Thyme, a Bayleaf Tree, parsley - flat leaf and normal, mint, Chives, wild garlic and origano... Looking forward to a nice herb salad soon! (From two angles)

The front of the house. As I'm traveling most of the time it had to be low maintenance. This is what we came up with...

More of the front. Have to give the new lawn some time to settle down but sure it will look great in about two to three weeks.

That's all for now folks, hope y'all have a really pretty day!

TTFN

PS: The garden layout was Dawie's ideas. He was such a creative soal. Just another thing to remember him by.

Frustration.

2009-02-24T11:39:00.000+02:00

What is it with Blogger? Why 'she' does not want to allow me to upload some pics? Honestly...

But enough 'bitching' - it's a crazy week that (thankfully) ends with me going away for a few days. Then, on my return, I'll be going to Nairobi for a few days - business trip, but at least I get to see my 'beloved' Kenya again. Also planning to spend the weekend there instead of flying back on the Friday, so making arrangements with friends at the moment... Fun! So, going to be 'away' from the office for just on two weeks - imagine the Email inbox when I get back.

It's my and Dawie's aniversary this weekend - the 28th. This too shall pass.

I miss him. A lot. All the time.

TTFN

A quick update.

2009-02-23T12:19:00.001+02:00

Would love to just quickly post a pic or two here on the progress on the garden, but 'dear' Blogger won't allow me...

As the cave men said - UGGER, UCK. (Apparently those were the first swear words ever spoken!)

TTFN

B

Dancin' shoes.

2009-02-20T10:47:00.006+02:00

Last night we (Me and a very dear friend) went to see Spirit of the Dance at the Joburg Civic. I was invited as a guest of ABSA (One has to get concerned if the banks are trying to 'buy' their customers to stay with them) and this, dear reader, is my recomendation:

IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE, GO AND SEE THEM!

I know (Think I know?)they're touring the US next and will be performing in Las Vegas, so make the effort, go and see them. There is a sequence at the end of the show where they sit on the edge of the stage and 'dance' with their hands - I was gobsmacked! Oh, and the boys are pretty cute too - too small for me (I'm 6'4 for cying out loud), but really cute and toned. But you would be too if you jumped around like they do every day...

The garden is coming along swimingly and I'll take some pic's this weekend - so y'all can see them on Monday. This weekend we're going to see Nataniel on Saturday and then it's only 5 days to my holiday in the Kruger... Can't wait! It will be good to just relax for a while, spend some time in nature just think (or not) and get myself back into a clear mind space...

Enough drivel for one day, hope y'all have a really pretty weekend now!

TTFN

Achievements!

2009-02-17T08:49:00.008+02:00

The first bit of achievement is this:

Your Quit Date is: Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Test Time Smoke-Free: 306 days, 14 hours, 6 minutes and 27 seconds
Cigarettes NOT smoked: 6132
Lifetime Saved: 1 month, 16 days, 20 hours
Money Saved: S1,071.00

The second bit of achievement is this:

This is what the garden looked like last night - EVERYTHING has been ripped up and the process is starting to rebuild now. Will post the 'after' pictures in about two weeks - hopefully. My doggies are LOVING their new lawn. What is it with long hair dogs and mud?

Anyhoo, hope y'all are having a pretty day!

TTFN

I will survive...

2009-02-16T08:34:00.003+02:00

Was it Gloria Gaynor who sang I will survive? If my (rapidly) failing brain is functioning correctly, she did, and I too, will survive! The weekend was rather emotional, but with the support of a WONDERFUL group op friends and my family, I got trough this as well... So, here goes a new week.

I know that all the 'first' are going to be hard to deal with - my gut tells me so (and my therapist confirmed it!) and I'll deal with things as and when they happen. Think this is a healthy process.

On another note, starting to finilize the garden and should be able to put op a few picks soon. All I can say is that the sun in Pretoria was merciless this weekend! I look like a boiled lobster. (That reminds me, time for a seafood dinner sometime.)

Only two more weeks and then I'm off on holiday for ten days with my folks. We're going to the Kruger National Park for a few days, looking forward to that. And I thought we might drive into Mozambique too as there is a place I want to go and look at - a holiday home for the future. It's only a 280km(175miles)trip one way from where we will be - a quick three hours excluding the border post. Should be fun!

Well, here I am dreaming away about the future and my work is waiting - better get started.

Have a pretty week y'all!

TTFN

My week...

2009-02-13T08:40:00.004+02:00

This week has been a total 'baaheetch' with me being so busy that I hardly had time for my 'social life', or lack thereof really. Work is crazy with me running around at the moment playing 'silly bugger' with a couple of sub - contractors and employees. Why must everything be taken personally? Honestly, when I say that you're too pedantic I mean that in the nicest possible way... (EVIL GRIN!)Anyway, the week is over (well, nearly) and I'm now settling in for the weekend, and it is going to be a bit of a tough one...

Dawie's birthday is tomorrow - on Valentine's day. He would have turned 40 this year. I'm sure that he would have insisted on inviting all our friends around for a OTT party with lots of food and beverages, but I'm going to be spending the day quietly at home with doggy school in the afternoon - weather permitting. I don't think I want a whole bunch of people around me...

So, that's my weekend.

Hope y'all have a pretty one,

TTFN

Weekend.

2009-02-09T15:24:00.004+02:00

The weekend was fun in a strange and (once again) busy way. Friday night I spent at my parents place, mom is very teary at the moment and seems to need a lot of support, so I'll be a good little gay son and give her lots of hugs and kisses, and cook her nice, feelgood meals. Not that I cooked, the housekeeper did, but at least I ate it with her...

Saturday was dog school - and I fried in the sun again. At least this time not in my face as I had this hidiously large straw sun hat on - looked like a caracter from a Jerry Springer show in drag I tell you! And then my doggie wanted to 'attack' this big old Rottweiler, so my screams had everybody looking in my direction. I'm such a butch thing sometimes (He says VERY red faced!). Then in the afternoon it was some gardening and cleaning up of stuff around the house...

Sunday was nursery time - spent too much money on some plants and pots. As my backyard (It's a bit of a stretch to call it that, but bear with me) is cramped, I thought that planting herbs in pots would be a good idea. So, my new projects is a 'pot garden' at the back door... Should be fun! The afternoon was spent with my older sis and her hubby - good folk they are!

So, overall quite the busy weekend - again.

Now, back to work and then face the traffic home...

Hope y'all had great weekends as well!

TTFN

Stuff...

2009-02-06T07:51:00.002+02:00

Life is quite busy at the moment - think the universe has worked it out that way to keep my mind of 'things', and finding time to do things I enjoy is quite the challenge... So, what's happened in the last bit that has made my life so crazy:

I've been given extra responsibility at work. Basically, due to the economic crisis (feeble excuse, but ok) they are not going to fill a position that has become vacant and I'm now responsible for those folks as well. Hey, it's not like I didn't have enough to do to start with but at least it's a challenge and I see a difference at the end of the month on my 'tip slip'.

Dawie's estate is dragging on and on and the company that is handling it is driving me nuts. I did not expect it to just 'go away' but I was hoping to get it behind me as soon as I could, but it seems this is going to take at least a year to resolve. Will take this one a day at a time, it's the only way...

I've bought a new car. The idea is basically to sell both the cars and get one to replace it. Only problem is that I now have three cars standing at home as I have not sold the other two yet... I am the king of procrastination after all...

It seems my daughter (read dog) is going to go on heat soon and then we'll try for pups... So, I gonna be a granny! Yorkies are such cute puppies - I know already that I'm going to battle with having them go to other homes - and they're not even born yet. (Never mind made yet!)

The garden is in progress - I'll post some before and after pics when we're done. It will include a potted herb garden in the back, a water feature in the front (to drive the neighbours moggy) and a special memorial corner for my Skapie. This is the one thing that I'm really enjoying at the moment. It's fun and good for the soal...

Just a quick update on what's going on in my life if anybody's interested. Sorry for not posting more often but time is really limited...

Hope y'all have a really pretty weekend!

TTFN

The US, the President and the very big future...

2009-01-21T08:31:00.002+02:00

Last night I lay in front of the TV and watched one of our local channels broadcast from Washington. It was a momentus occation for the people of the US, and I personally think that this will, in time, have an effect on the rest of the world as well.

Whether President Obama will be able to change as much as he promised remains to be seen but lets be honest, worse that 'that silly little Texan' he cannot possibly do. I wish him, and all the people of the United States the absolute best. There is a lot to be done at home and with regards to their foreign policy.

Mr President, you will be in my prayers as well!

TTFN

Weekend.

2009-01-16T11:54:00.002+02:00

The weekend is once again ahead of us and I'm, as has become usual the last bit, not really looking forward to it. It's pretty lonely in the house at the mo - yes, the dogs are there and yes friends pop in all the time but I'm still in bed alone on a Sunday morning. That was our special time every week. A time we just lay there talking and drinking coffee and eating pastries - whatever blew our hair back. Even when he was as sick as a dog we would still follow this ritual. I miss him...

I'm busy writing him a letter. My therapist suggested it, and it seems to be helping a bit, even if it means that it's VERY emotional and I'm battling to write a paragraph at a time. This too shall pass...

So, here's wishin' y'all a happy and love filled weekend. And to my friends in the Aviation industry - I'm so glad you're OK and nobody got seriously injured!

Hugs,

B

Therapy...

2009-01-13T09:36:00.003+02:00

So, with so much that happened recently and me feeling quite alone at times, I thought that therapy would be in order. Now, besides the actual therapy where I get to speak to my therapist for an hour a week, other therapy has come to mind, and now I have to choose between:

1. Laying out a new garden and making it happen. Dawie and I both love(d) to be outside, and I feel that a new space at home will not only keep me busy over the weekends, but will also be a good thing to remember him by.

2. Redecorating. But I don't think so, as we recently did do the whole house and I'm not ready to change all of that yet...

3. Veg'in in front of the box. Once again, not a bad option but it does tend to make me feel, well, useless and numb. And, it seems that the universe is out to make me cry like a total girl - had a rerun of Ghost the other day on Classic and I sat and watched it... NOT a good idea!

4. Taking a nice long holiday. This, I feel, is maybe a really good idea! Mom and me, in a car just driving and seeing where we end up. Or, maybe just me on my own - I will still see... Or, really going for it and buying an air ticket to somewhere in the world I'd like to go - New York, Phuket, London, Sydney...

5. Retail Therapy - No, not really an option. Everything I want I have - except for the one thing that I really want and can't have anymore... Not that he was for sale.

The sadness is still here, the heartache is ever present, but the good memories are starting to win the battle. I'm sure that every first will be dramatic - first birthday alone, anniversary etc, but this too shall pass and he will live in my thoughts forever!

On another note. Dawie was quite a keen poet. He wrote this poem for me before he passed away.

I KNOW YOU LOVE ME

Darling, I know you love me
You don’t have to tell me, this I can see
When I was sick, your love showed as you stood by my bed,
Your love showed as you held me close and caressed my head.

You showed me love each and every day,
You showed me your love in many and all kinds of ways.
Your love for me held fast when I would give way to tears,
It was your love for me that helped me when I was filled with fears.

It was your love that helped me through times that were so trying,
Your love would never let me see frustration and crying.
Darling, I knew you loved me right from the start,
I will love you always, from deep in my heart.

I know that you love me,
Your love for me showed throughout the suffer,
I know you love me, so please God help me
To acknowledge the love of my lover.

Darling, I just know you love me,
‘cause a more loving lover there couldn’t be,
I will always have a special place for you in my heart,
I know this even if we are now apart.

Hope you have a blessed day.

Emptiness and keeping busy...

2009-01-06T12:49:00.004+02:00

It's been nearly two weeks now since Dawie slipped away from me on Christmas Eve. I'm back at work (as of today) and arranging everything with his will and policies and 'stuff' has kept me occupied, mostly. It's tough. I don't wish this feeling I have on my worst enemy - if I had any that is. (Don't think I do, but averybody crosses somebody at some time in their lives...)

Anyway. There is just so much confusion in my life at the moment, and to be completely honest, I don't think his death has sunk in yet. I still think I should go and visit him in hospital, or expect him to walk trough the front door after a work trip... I will give up everything just to hold him in my arms for a few minutes more, to tell him I love him and to tell him to go in peace. We did talk about this, but it still feels like we did not have enough time to say everything.

I need to tell the story of his last few days, but it's still to raw for me. I need to tell it 'cause it's really beautiful, but not right now.

What the hell am I going to do now? He's no longer here and I have nothing more to really live for... I am surounded by friends and family but this is the lonliest I've ever been in my life.

What now? What now?

My darling husband...

2009-01-01T18:55:00.002+02:00

Dawie...

2008-12-26T19:49:00.002+02:00

My darling husband passed away on Christmas eve. At this moment I just feel pain and sorrow, and I have no words, but the most important thing is that he's no longer in pain...

Dawie, I will love you forever...

Seasons greetings.

2008-12-15T08:27:00.002+02:00

To all my friends in Cyberspace I hope you have a blessed Christmas spent with the people you love and hold dear, and that it will be a peaceful time for all.

I'm off work as of today and will be fetching Dawie from the hospital this afternoon. He will be spending as much time as we can at home - depending on his condition, but the plan is to make this a very special Christmas for him. I decorated the house this weekend with lights and put up the Christmas tree in the lounge - thanks to my dear sisters and their husbands who helped me. So, this evening when he gets home it's going to look a lot like Christmas...

So - to all and their loved ones : Keep them near and cherish them, for one never knows what tomorrow brings.

Stuff.

2008-11-14T10:02:00.003+02:00

It's been a while since I've posted anything here a whole month in fact... I've had a lot to think about and a lot to consider, and frankly, I'm still not sure that I need to write it down here - but I need an outlet...

My poor darling husband is terminal. There, I've said it and it's killing me. The doctors have confirmed that there is not a hell of a lot more that can be done to help him except to make him as comfortable as possible. We've made the decision that it's no longer important for him to work - he's taken an extended leave of absence from his work and basically is claiming disabilty. He's very weak at the moment and on constant pain meds, but his still able to function relatively well - can go to the bathroom, clean up after himself etc. Whe've already organized with a private company for a day and night nurse to help me when he's no longer able to do 'his thing' on his own. I have to keep working for now but will also take extended leave when nessesary - it is difficult though, just started a new job...

That bit I wrote and never posted - as of today, he's in hospital and receiving treatment. I've taken as much leave a I can but need to finish a few things before I can leave and spend all my time with him. Not a very festive season in our house this year...

The worst part of this whole thing is seeing the man I love - the person who has made every living moment of my life worthwhile, melt away to nothing. His body has given up but his mind is still strong. I still get the biggest grin possible when I walk into the hospital room. He still sends me little text messages when I'm not with him to tell me how much I mean to him. I don't want to break down in front of him but this is the single hardest thing I've ever had to do and all I want to do is cry. How unfair is this - he's only 39 years young. Our friends and family are so supportive but it all feels so damn hollow. Why?

I'm absolutely broken...

Obama and Kenya.

2008-11-05T09:58:00.004+02:00

I just spoke to a few of my dear friends in Kenya, and the feeling there is ecstatic - they've even declared tomorrow a public holiday - I kid you not! But let's be realistic for one minute and think if this makes any real difference to the country where President Obama (Boy, that sounds good!) father comes from.

The US has an economic situation that is dismal to say the least. This needs real attention and this will (or at least should) be his first focus. In the process he might make it better for emerging or third world markets, but this will not be his main focus - and rightly so. He has to ensure the well being of the people that put him in office after all!

The situation in the Middle East will surely take up an enormous amount of his time. It needs to be resolved, and soon as well - but he cannot just pull the troops and expect things to get better on it's own. It would need to be well planned and very well executed.

What I can say is that we are all part of a little piece of history that will, I'm sure, go down as a landmark in the history books. I'm sure that this will make a difference to minorities in the US if he keeps his campaign promises, and will eventually filter down to the rest of the world.

To all my readers from the US - I cannot think that one of you supported the Bush Puppet man so good for you! I hope this brings the change you have voted for!

Good Luck Mister President!

TTFN

Ps: Just 'found' this picture on the web - is that a gay flag in the background? My my, but it seems Mr. Obama has a profound influence after all...

Unpacking my life.

2008-10-30T09:20:00.005+02:00

I think this is the last of it - we've unpacked the last box of stuff (finally) and can now just live in the new home. The one thing that shook me a bit is exactly how many bottles of 'perfume' we have. My goodness - look at it! We can start a store - and some are duplicates too! My favourite is still Farenheit by Cristian Dior thought...

I've always (well, for as long as I could start buying my own) 'worn' 'perfume' on a daily basis - not overpowering - that's just 'common', but just enough for a hint of freshness to my day. And, I've always believed that you should invest in good quality as they keep their fragrance better and last the whole day - and there's less chance of smelling like a cheap prostitute!

Basically, I've taken a few pictures of the completed 'home' and will post them after some editing.

Hope y'all are having a blast of a day!

TTFN

New week - last week...

2008-10-27T07:49:00.002+02:00

It's been such a crazy time of late - I know I know I've said that already, but it just seems like my life is running away from itself... I will try and sort out my time better once I start at the new job next week!

Yes, I've been head hunted by an affiliate company in the group I work for and I'll start with them from the beginning of November. Should be a challenge and a new exciting prospect - very young crowd and young 'vibe' at that group, so going to have some fun. I think I'm truly blessed that in the VERY insecure economic times that I still get to grow my career (and income) - this in spite of the the fact that EVERYBODY is cutting back staff. So, this is my last week in the company I'm in at the moment and I still have a few things to complete and hand over.

We've just gone trough another series of tests with Dawie and it's mostly good - his liver function was a little shaky but that is being treated now. He's gained a total of nearly 10kg since June and he's starting to look like a human being again - less stick insect like. He still needs to gain at least 10 kilos to be back where he was, but we're getting there. I, on the other hand, need to lose some of these 'love pounds' I've gained since my return to SA. You see - I try and cook food that will help hubby gain the weight, but it also means that I gain the weight! Not so good for a person that is prone to obesity - and I quit smoking, so it's a bit of a double whammy! Oh well, it's half an hour on the stepper three times a week for me.... Hate that bloody stepper - climbing stairs to nowhere!

Have made a mental note that I should really try and 'get to' my blog more often and also try and read my 'blog reads' more often as it feels like a bit of a void in my life at the moment. Now to make the time for that...

Hope y'all are well, and hope that my US readers have 'fun' during their last few days of campaigning before your general 'erection'.

Go Barack Obama!

TTFN

TGIF!

2008-10-10T08:59:00.004+02:00

It's been one of those weeks where Hell would have spat me out for my mood! Bless Dawie for putting up with me sometimes... I've been in a foul mood all week and have no reason other than real stress and workload. I know, it's pathetic, but hey - even this wonderful man is only human! (SNICKER!) So, this weekend I'll make up for it by treating the husband to a little bit of pampering.

Tonight we'll go to his favourite seafood restaurant for some prawns, and we'll lie in tomorrow morning while I make us breakfast in bed - eggs benedic t is one of our favourites and it's not too difficult to make. (Mental note to self - stop at Woolies Foods on the way home for ingredients.) And then on Sunday it's lunch with my family - so that should be fun as well. No wonder I look like the Goodyear Blimp at the moment - just turn me on my side and trow a few lights on me and you would not be able to tell the difference!

Anyhoo, after 'writing' a whole load of hoohie - here's wishin' y'all a lovely and fun filled weekend!

TTFN

A whole month...

2008-09-29T13:01:00.003+02:00

It's been an entire 30 days since I've last posted anything here... Boy, time flies when you're damn busy - not that I'm looking for excuses, I'm just really really busy at the moment. It always seems like, as we go towards the end of the year, life just gets more and more hectic and crazy. And every year it just seems a little bit more crazy than the year before. Maybe my age is.... No, that's not it - I'm just looking for excuses. So, what's been happening in our lives?

Summer had hit with all it's might and our daily temp is hitting the mid - thirty's (about 90 Plus Fahrenheit) again. Thank the Good Lord for AC in cars, houses and offices. We also thought that it's time for the kids to get their 'Summer Cut' and this is how they looked just after they returned from the parlour - those little bows in their hair lasts about 32 seconds before the play removes them. That pink thing lying in front of Jess is her favourite toy - a pink pig made of sheep's wool and stuffed with a 'squeaky' - she's on her second one this year already, and Dawie keeps hiding it away!

We spent a lovely weekend away in the Pilgrims Rest area - an old Gold mining town that is now a national monument/tourist trap. This was one of the first places Dawie and I visited together years ago and, even tough the place has become very commercial, we still love visiting there and just dawdling from shop to shop. And it's only 350km (about 220 Miles) one way from home, so an easy weekend drive - 3 hours.

Then this weekend we went to Bela Bela (The Tswana name for Hot Springs or Boiling Boiling) for our annual family fest that was held there. This is when the whole family gets together for a weekend once a year and just talks, eats, plays games, eats, talks, eats and catches up with each others lives. Oh, did I mention that we eat a LOT! Very typical 'Souf Efriken' tradition is to show your 'love' for someone by feeding them, and since Dawie is still in recovery and still very thin my entire family all watched his every move around meal times. (And he's not a very big eater at the best of times...) We were around 150 odd people there this year - Lot's of fun!

I'll post some pictures next time and I promise that it won't be a whole month again...

Hope y'all are well!

TTFN

Some feedback...

2008-08-29T07:58:00.002+02:00

So, the 'big bad church' lost it's case against the evil gay man. Big up's for the South African legal system! I especially like the fact that this is a watershed moment is South African law as anybody can now take an employer to task for discrimination based on sexual orientation! Good. Still planning to go and paint their fence in pride colours...

On another note, decided on a phone. It will be a Nokia E71 so that I can still receive my mails on my mobile but at least it's less of a brick to carry around. Now just hope I don't drop it in the first week. The IT guys said I should get a little thing called a condom for it... Apparently it's a rubber 'jacket' that you pull over the phone to protect it. Well then, that's exactly the same as the condoms we keep in our bedroom drawers now, isn't it? Don't think it will work the same way though...

This weekend they are launching Mamma Mia here. (Yes, yes. SA is a bit behind the rest of the world in some things) On Saturday we're going to get dressed up in white spandex suits and going out to see the ABBA movie. I'll look like the Goodyear blimp in drag but hey, anything for a laugh, right? Should be fun though... And no - no camera's allowed!

Then we're also busy with the garden layout at the moment. Will post some pictures of that when it's done. The house is 'nearly' finished, but I'm sure Dawie will start changing things soon enough. He's never been one to keep things the same for very long.

Hope y'all have a really pretty weekend now and be good, or at least good at it...

TTFN

Choosing a new toy...

2008-08-26T11:44:00.003+02:00

Trying to choose a new phone at the moment as mine had an 'untimely' death when it accidentally fell out of my hand at the mall this weekend. It is/was a Nokia 6680 which, frankly, gave me great service. Also have an iMate Qwerty which I use for work but that is a whole chapter on it's own - my advice to anybody - NEVER get an iMate phone! About as user friendly as a wounded buffalo! (For those of you who are not in Africa, that means pretty unfriendly...)

Back to my Ex-Nokia. Great phone, shitty memory but in general easy to use and tough, so can handle my 'rough ways' with mobile phones. This is the phone I've used the longest (just over two years) of all my previous ones as most of my cellulars seem to give up the ghost pretty early on in their lives. So, here I sit in front of my screen with a list of (I kid you not!) 508 phones that I can choose from on my contract... What the... How in the name of all things holy should one decide which phone is better that the next, which one will stay in fashion for longer that a mere nanosecond and which one will have a decent battery life based on a pretty picture with people running trough a field of daisies with Dalmatians playing in the background. Honestly - what does it have to do with the whole thing? Call me old fashioned - when did a phone become a camera/PDA/Video Machine/Vibrator/Sex slave etc etc...

So, here I go surfing the Internet and findin' myself a new phone. What fun! (NOT!)

Hope y'all are having a pretty day now,

TTFN

A little comment...

2008-08-14T08:44:00.004+02:00

Besides the Olympics and South Africa's dismal performance being headline news right now, there is another story that is getting some attention at the moment. One of the really conservative Afrikaans Churches is being sued for wrongful dismissal by an ex employee for not only being gay, but (heaven forbid!) being in a long term relationship with a man! And now their leader said that they 'could have helped him' if he only confessed that he was a 'homosexual' person - HOW? You conceited bastard...

Lucky for him he lives in a country where his right of freedom of choice with regards to his sexual orientation is protected by the constitution and the outcome of this case will probably be that the church would have to pay up. This is discrimination, pure and simple.

This specific church is not too far from our home in Pretoria. It's a big, pompous glass and brick monstrosity on a large tract of land surrounded by miles of palisade fencing. I'm of the opinion that we should get together a team of people and go and paint their 'cherished' palisade fencing in the PRIDE colours one evening... That should keep them busy with the 'moffie' (gay) agenda for a while. Bastards...

Now I feel better - had my little rant for the morning. On a personal note, feeling more alive and well after the flu thing, Dawie is getting stronger by the day. Jessica (our Yorkie) went into 'that time' and it's quite the effort keeping her away from all the male visitors to our home at the moment - little slut! (Daddy's little slut! Dawie says she's just as randy as I am...) Jason (our male Yorkie) was 'fixed' a while ago, so he's no real threat, although he does try his luck with her. Don't want to 'make' grandchildren just yet, so we need to skip this time around.

Otherwise, just work and carrying on with life. We're planning a trip to Crystal Springs next month, and then we're also planning a trip to Cape Town for Dawie's 40th early next year... Goodness - we're older than the crypt keeper... That trip should be fun! And then still planning our trip to the US of A for late next year. Have to have dreams daaaaaahlings!

So, that's my life in a nutshell - I know I've been really quite of late, but it's been such a mad time. I need to visit all my 'bloggin' friends to see what's up in their lives and play catch-up a bit...

Hope y'all are as well as a pig in pooo!

TTFN

Under the weather...

2008-07-30T07:08:00.003+02:00

Today I would need a little contraption like the one in the pic... The Rivers of Babylon (great song by a long forgotten band) are runnin' trough my 'dhose' and I'm feeling very sorry for myself... Typical male, no?

So, it's of to work and making sure that the nessesary is done, and then back to bed for me today. Will spend the day watching BBC Food (My favourite channel, btw) and just sipping on the Chicken Soup my dear hubby cooked for me - bless him!

So while I'm lounging around and feeling miserable, I'll make the nessesary changes to my blog that are so long overdue with the new (very fancy) broadband internet connection at our home - wireless 'nogal' I might add! The whole house is a WIFI spot! How cool is that!

Hope y'all have a really pretty day now!

TTFN

A whole half a month extra!

2008-07-22T11:22:00.003+02:00

Yes, that's right.... Seems I've added an entire 15 days to my life so far. What will I do with all the spare time I'll have one day?

Maybe I could climb Kilimanyaro, or Kayak down the niver Nile... Or, I could just sit around and enjoy my newfound health (and WEALTH!) by being an official non - smoker....

Your Quit Date is: Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 12:00:00 AM
Test Time Smoke-Free: 98 days, 12 hours, 2 minutes and 42 seconds
Cigarettes NOT smoked: 1970
Lifetime Saved: 15 days, 1 hour
Money Saved: S343.00

Now, hope y'all are having a really pretty day!

TTFN

Ps: Dawie is getting better by the day. He's picked up a whole 5 kilo's in the last two weeks and he's a lot stronger - physically and mentally. Thanks for all the good wishes etc.

Happy birthday Pappa (Daddy) Madiba.

2008-07-18T08:15:00.002+02:00

Here's my little wish to the one single person that makes me truly proud to be 'Souf Efriken'.

'Happy 90th Madiba. In my eyes you will always be a true leader, statesman and symbol of peace.'

I hope y'all have a really BLESSED day!

TTFN

Time for a change...

2008-07-09T14:56:00.003+02:00

So, it's been a few weeks of turmoil and drama in my life, but now it's time for a change! Yes, it's time to 'get my life back' so to speak. Dawie is getting better by the day and will be returning to work next week (albeit for only a few hours and only three days a week, but still), I'm busy with 4 different projects at the same time (try keeping that in the air!) and the container has (finally!) arrived and we can now conclude the move to SA. So, with that in mind, it's time I change my blog to reflect my 'new life'...

We need a new name. Now, I've asked this before, but I would really love some suggestions... I started this not so much as a blog but as a diary of my experiences, but now it's turned into something that I enjoy and want to contnue doin'. Hey who knew I had a little bit of creative juice flowin' trough me...

Then I would need to start 'adjusting' this to suit my new 'space' as it's not really about a strange country anymore. Yes. I'll still be travelling a lot (Going to Brazil next month) but I'm now based in my 'home town' so to speak. Oh well, can still write about my experiences, right?

Well, expect a new face and a new outlook in this little blog! Welcome to my new world!

TTFN

Ps: Will be busy with unpacking till next week, so hope y'all have a pretty weekend now!

2008-07-02T10:52:00.004+02:00

I can honestly say that I'm suffering from 'blog-lessness' at the moment. I don't have the time to read all the folks that I read, and I don't have the time to post on my own space either... 'Tres' frustrating I might add! My life at the moment is crazy busy and it feels as if I have no real control over it.

It's up at 5 in the morning to make sure hubby has breakfast before he needs to take his first batch of tablets, then feed the dogs and make sure everything is set up for for the hubby for the day - he's still at home and still quite weak so I need to make sure that he is comfortable and has everything within easy reach before I leave for work. I might add here that I'm SO not a morning person, so this is VERY tough. Then it's getting myself ready and in the car for a two hour commute to Jozie and a full day of work ahead. Rush back home - another two hour commute, and then it's making sure dinner is ready and the evening tab's go down. Then some quality time with the children and the hubby before I collapse into bed at about 12... And work is MAYOR stress at the moment too. I'm busy with a restructuring of operations and obviously not very popular, but it's par for the course.

Sound like it's crazy and it is, but I'm really thankful that I can be here while my man recovers and gets stronger again, and I'm thankful that I can afford to appoint a housekeeper that can keep an eye on him during the day. I'm thankful that his boss has told him to take as long as he needs to recover and that his job is safe, and that they are not cutting into his earnings at all even though he's used all his sick leave due to him! Amazing! And I'm thankful for a Mom that drives to him every second day to 'check on my son'. Bless her big time!

So, long story short - I'm busy! Hope y'all are having a really pretty time now...

TTFN

A very frustrating week...

2008-06-20T10:39:00.002+02:00

It's been one of those weeks were you wish that EVERYBODY would just piss off and go and flush themselves down the toilet. The stress at work is getting crazy - too much to do with too little time and a very sick hubby at home that needs attention all the time, stress at home getting a little too much - very sick hubby that is frustrated because I tend to be overprotective and then he gets frustrated with me, and all of this with a three hour commute every day due to the loving government that are working on every single access route into Johannesburg for the 2010 soccer world cup... At least by 2010 traffic will be a breeze - mostly 'cause everybody's dead due to road rage! (Not to mention the price of fuel!)

At least from next week I can work mostly from home as there are fewer meetings to attend and less 'in office' tasks to complete. And my PA will be more comfortable with her job description so she will not need me to be there all the time - poor thing only started this week. (Apparently I'm mean and very bombastic! Not really, just very demanding...) God bless the inventors of the Internet/broadband and telephones!

Long story short - looking forward to a weekend of doing as little as possible. Spending time indoors with my man, and just pottering around the house.

Hope y'all have a loverly weekend as well!

TTFN

An update part two.

2008-06-16T17:40:00.002+02:00

Firstly, to everyone that has sent me notes, text messages (guys, remember the time differences OK!), phone calls etc etc - thanks a stack! Y'all are really wonderful people.

It's been a few days of up's and down's but mostly up's. Hubby is a lot better (he's starting with his fussy ways again...) and we are home - our domestic worker has offered to stay over the weekend (even thought it was a long weekend in SA) to help me and to make sure that I also get some rest. The meds etc are quite demanding and meals have to be served at certain times and with certain ingredients. Something we've never done before, so this is quite the adjustment. We used to be very happy go lucky with meals and mostly ate when and if we felt like it. Anyway, at least it a square 6 meals a day now...

On the health front - he's breathing better and sleeping better because of that. The surgery scars are still very painful but the stitches are out and the specialist says it's looking good. He's picked up another 3 kilos (and I've picked up a kilo as well - eating in sympathy!). All in all, its still not nearly easy, but it's getting better every day.

As for work - the new post is great but very demanding - but the bosses understand that my priorities lie somewhere else at the moment. They've cancelled all my travel arrangements until the end of July in order for me to be home for a bit - good guys then. And I get to work from home if I want to, as long as the results stay the same. RESULT!

Hope y'all are well and happy and none of my US friends have been fried to a frazzle in that little heat wave.

Will keep y'all posted.

TTFN

A little update...

2008-06-11T15:31:00.003+02:00

It's been about two weeks since I've posted anything on 'me little blog'... Sorry, but it's been a really crazy, crazy couple of weeks here and my priorities have been elsewhere.

Dawie is home and recovering at the moment. He had to undergo a biopsy on his lungs and is still very sore and can't really move to well. The most important thing is that they FINALLY figured out what has caused his severe weight loss and his general 'bad health' - it also does not help that he is quite proud and has not been completely honest with our doc - but that is a different post for another time.

He has a variation of TB - something similar to a birdflu that he most probably got when he was working all over rural KZN. This is causing him mayor weight loss (he truly is as thin as a rake!) and also caused him great difficulty breathing. He also did not have a good reaction to the anastethic and had to spend four days in ICU for post op recovery - I must be honest, in front of him I was very brave, but behind his back I honestly thought I was going to lose him. As I'm typing this, my eyes are filling with tears again - I would not want to live without him - ever...

Anyway, that was last week and as we speak we have moved in with my parents in order for my mom to keep an eye on him during the day while I go to work. (Thank the Good Lord for wonderful parents!) It won't be for too long - maybe until the weekend, because we also need our space. His recovery will be a long and very involved process (About two years according to the specialists), but we can already see an improvement and he's picked up a whole 2 kilo's in a week, so mom is feeding him well!!!!

Not going to go on too long as I'm trying to type this while he takes a nap - I'm just glad he's getting better... Thank you to everybody who has sent me notes of encouragement, love and support - we both appreciate this so much.

I will try and post more regularly to keep y'all updated.

TTFN